Momming

Thursday, August 30, 2012

Bearded Daddy!!

   Oh gosh, want to know how to make Wyatt giggle? Let's just dispense with all the pleasantries and not-that-funny-text and get to the good stuff:

video

   Beards!! All you need is a good beard to rub his hands along. I think all dads enjoy rubbing their beards into their kids and seeing the startled, annoyed, pained expressions that come from it. I guess this makes me a dad! Finally, a landmark of some sort. Let's watch another:


video

   I shave about once a week or so. I can't commit to a specific facial-hair look, because I just look so good throughout the first three phases: clean shaven, five-o'clock-shadow, and movie-star beard. I really can't miss. Let me show you how good I can look with a picture or two:

Sunday, August 26, 2012

Wyatt Loves to Help!!

You gonna use that wrench to, um, unwrentch some stuff, wy?  
   Oh man!! There's a lot of stuff to get done around the house!! Luckily, my little Wyatt has been walking for over a month now (longer than any 11 month old ever), and he's in the mood to put stuff away and help out whenever he can. What a conscientious little man I have raised! Sometimes we'll find the remotes in the bathroom, sometimes my phone is under the table, and sometimes the ziploc bags are scattered about the kitchen floor. Thanks buddy!! Right where we wanted everything! One time I found my playstation controller in the fridge!! Perfect! Now it's nice and cool for my next intense gaming session! I wish I'd thought of that!

   First off, Wyatt loves shoes. They can entertain him for like ten minutes (which is hours in baby time). He just sits calmly and quietly and plays with the laces. Sometimes I get worried about him, because I haven't seen or heard from him for a bit, while I am in my room with the door shut playing Mario (princess peach ain't gonna save herself, obviously), so I run out to check on him and he's just sitting with some tennis shoes.
Those are too big for you, silly!
   He'll sometimes gather all the loose shoes into one pile. What a helper!! We never have a missing shoe anymore, except for when he takes one of them and walks off with it, which is all the time. But his helpful instincts have other outlets as well.

Saturday, August 25, 2012

Baby's New Bed!!

   What a waste. So, we spent all this time making a totally not creepy nursery for wyatt before he was born. We imported a crib from Holland, we tracked down pictures to put on the wall, and we painted it a lovely boy-blue color. Why did we do all of this? Apparently, so that Wyatt could sleep in his own queen sized bed in another room.

   I can't even get the entire expanse of space in one photo!

   His bed is bigger than ours!! How did this happen?! Here's how: Cara and I realized a few months ago it was easier to put him to sleep if we were laying in bed with him. Sometimes he'd sleep on us, next to us, and sometimes we'd fall asleep feeding him. We'd always do this in the spare bed in our spare room. Well, he's turned the spare bed into his bed, where he tends to sleep on me. Like in the following photo, taken moments before the previous photo:


You can't see how hard his head is digging into my chin.

   One day a few weeks ago, we crawled in bed for our mid-afternoon nap (Wyatt and I, Cara doesn't get any naps). This comes after my morning nap and just before my post mid-afternoon nap, although Wyatt no longer takes these naps. Anyways, we are sharing the bed 50/50, and in his sleep he crawls over and pushed his head into my side. I move over a little bit, now we're 65/35. He does it again, I try to rotate at an angle (74/26). He does it again. I am occupying a strip of mattress that is barely wide enough for my shoulders. He does it again, I yield and meander over to my bed, defeated. What was I thinking, sleeping in his bed?!

   He also likes to have the hammock to himself.



   What a little booger!! And also a little goober, which is subtly different.

   My mood: jealous!
   Wy's mood: kingly
   Listening to: Coldplay

Thursday, August 23, 2012

Gettin' Stuff Done

   Guess what Cara!? I just got like seventeen things done while you were at work! How much stuff do you get done while I'm at work otherwise engaged? What's that you say? You do the laundry? Three loads today. Huh? You take care of the baby? Fed him four different times. Oh, you clean the kitchen? No you don't. Ever.
   I guess that having a job that earns you all that fancy "money" takes up too much of your precious time to let you do your wife duties. That's fine. I'm the modern man. The modern man does his wife's job AND his own job, which involves not actually having a job. The modern man can look good and play hard. The modern man eats healthy. The modern man drives a minivan a manlyvan.

   Bang. Daddy gets stuff done. We wanted a freezer to put in the garage. We found one. I loaded it in the manlyvan, drove it home, unloaded it, and then bench pressed for an hour because I was so amped.


   We had a bunch of crappers and other crap to get rid of, so I threw it in the manlyvan, went to the dump and dumped the dump buckets. Was the manlyvan up for it? You bet your bottom dollar it was. Did I forget to mention that the modern man quotes Annie? He does, if he wants to, because the modern man doesn't care.

Two toilets, one ceiling fan, five shelves, two shower sliding doors, no mercy.

   Yeah, that's right. The dump. I'm not afraid. Me and a whole bunch of crusty old farts and their crusty old trucks, each of them looking at me thinking What a modern man you are in your manlyvan. I can tell just by looking at you that I should be calling your car a "manlyvan" because "minivan" is just insulting.

Nice trucks everyone. I bet the whole soccer team fits in real comfortably.

   Guess what. It gets cold in the winter. Not so cold that it bothers me, but my wife and baby need some warmth, so I bought some pellets for our pellet stove. Guess how I got them from point A to point My House. I got them there with a truck and a trailer a few months ago, and then I went back and got some more today IN MY MANLYVAN. I had the workers load it and drove it home and unloaded it. That's right. Me and my bare hands have moved over 3000 pounds of wood. What have you done recently?

Fine, you caught me. I forgot to take a picture of the pellets in the manlyvan, but I did use it to haul some of those bags. Also, I couldn't find my camera so this picture quality is even lower than my usually-shoddy pics up here. Also, look at how cute that lamp shade is on top of the shelves!!!!
   I needed to get some stuff from the home improvement store. I took the baby. On my way out of the home improvement store, the workers carried my stuff for me and loaded it into the manlyvan for me. Because that's what men do for other men who are clearly men and not just stay at home dads.

   Done.

   Modern Man.
 
   Me.

   I'll leave you with this thought: Just look at how cute my baby is!!! Don't you just want to eat his cheeks!? Do you think his cheeks will always be so soft and smooth and squishy!? Gaaahhh I love him so much!


   I mean, is he meditating? Is that what he does when we go for walks? Wow, what a kid.

My mood: all business
Wyatt's mood: just stay out of daddy's way
Listening to: the freaking Legend of Zelda soundtrack.

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

Garage Sales and Strolls!!

   I've talked about how many walks Wyatt and I take, and some of the adventures that come from them. Here's a couple quick stories from just recently.

STORY NUMBER ONE!!!
   Lately I've been taking Wyatt on runs instead of walks!! With him in his jogging stroller, I can go almost 1200 feet without needing to catch my breath! I know because after every run I go home and google map it. Last weekend, in the midst of a crazy heat wave (it got over 90!!), we decided to go for a run in the morning. I figured it would already be hot out, so I wasn't wearing a shirt.

   I'd like you to take just a moment to picture me, a baby, a jogging stroller, and no shirt.

   As you can imagine, I get a lot of stares. I don't know why people look so intently, but I assume it's jealousy over my rocking ab. We round a corner and see a big garage sale! It's like ten in the morning, so I can't resist, maybe some good stuff is there? If you're new to this blog and are wondering who I am, I am the creepy guy at garage sales with a baby and no shirt, who looks like he ran to the sale. 
   I did not buy anything.
/end of story number one

STORY NUMBER TWO!!!
   Cara, Wyatt and I were looking for a freezer for our garage. We'd been craigslisting for most of the day, and chased down a couple leads at garage sales. I am driving by a garage sale very slowly in our minivan, and a kid - probably seven years old - flags me down and stops me. He's just hanging out in his drive way, a few houses down from the last sale. He has a look of urgency in his eyes and gestures, so I stop. His dad is doing yardwork.
   Me: Yeah, what can I do for you?
   Kid: Would you like to buy a baseball?
           Oh, no, I don't think so, but good luck.
           What if I told you it was autrographed?
           Oh, well, who autrographed it?
           I did.
           Oh, *laughs* well, I still think we're going to pass, but good luck.
    At this point his dad called his name in a way that made it seem like this was a common thing. That he was just one of those precocious smooth-operator types. I felt like it was a scene from a sitcom. You know, that episode of Full House where Stephanie is trying to sell her toys to the creepy guy in the van without a shirt on? Just like that. Then Michelle wants in and she sells Mr. Bear and Comet probably walks by at an inopportune time or something. As I drove off the kid even said "How rude."
/end of story number two

   Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I'd love to see a picture of this guy without a shirt on, because he sure talks about it a lot. And I hear he has rockin' ab." I won't do it! I'm still super self-conscious about my body ever since the baby came. Sure, I've lost most of the baby weight and all, but it's just different. I'm not the young heartbreaker that I once was, and that saddens me. It saddens us all.
   So now you're thinking "Well fine, can I see any pictures at all? If I wanted to go to a blog with no pictures I'd... um... well I'd do that." Good one! Yes, here is a picture:

Who on earth put on his diaper and onesie? This cannot be comfortable. Since we'll never know for sure who it was we have no choice but to assume it was Cara. For shame.

   My mood: excited!!
   Wyatt's mood: pensive
   Listening to: Mariah Carey.

Monday, August 20, 2012

Dodged A Bullet!!

(note: In case you aren't clear on this point: I'M NOT SERIOUS!!! LIKE, HARDLY EVER AM I BEING SERIOUS AND THIS IS A KEY EXAMPLE!!) 

Okay, I think we're in the clear. I feel safe to talk about this now that I don't think I can jinx it.

   I am so glad that Wyatt isn't a redhead.
*whew!* Not a lot of red in there!!
   Cara has kinda-red hair. It's not really red, and not as red as it was when she was younger, but it's there. I looooove redheaded girls (and thus felt a bit betrayed when I learned she was coloring her hair back when we started dating), but I just can't stand redheaded boys. I mean, can anyone? I think we're all in the same boat on this. Let's do a comparison:

My wife as a child holding up her little brother, Kip. Notice how
adorable she is and what a little punk he obviously must be.
   Red Headed Girls: sweet
   Red Headed Boys: the worst

   Red Headed Girls: cute
   Red Headed Boys: unathletic and awkward

   Red Headed Girls: charming
   Red Headed Boys: usually little brats

   Red Headed Girls: rare
   Red Headed Boys: need to be pushed further towards extinction.


   With Wy it was touch and go for a while there. He has a bit of red in his hair, but he is unequivocally blond at this point. For this I am thankful. If he ever does morph into a redhead, I will still love him almost as much, but it will be a challenge. My patience with him will be so much shorter, because whenever he does anything bratty I'll think "He's going to be this way forever because of that stupid hair," whereas when he behaves in a snotty manner with his hair this color, I'll just think it's cute and that he's entitled to it.
   Think about it. Do you know any redheaded boys that you are fond of?

Friday, August 17, 2012

Vote For Meeeee!!!!

They really get me.
 
   Wow!! What an honor!! It seems I have been nominated as one of the Top Mommy Bloggers on the entire internet! In fact, if you were to go to their website and vote for My Kid Is Special!! as one of the top blogs, who knows what could happen!? I sure don't! My guess is, I don't know, I get to appear on Ellen or something?

   I know you have some questions, so let me answer them:

Wait, what?! You aren't a mommy and this isn't a mommy blog.
   Hahaha, that's a great question, thanks for asking. Last I checked, isn't this America? And isn't being a mommy in this day and age less about gender and more about loving your baby, posting images of him online, and using lots of exclamation points?! I mean, it's not like I would try to label "aunts" as "the sister of a parent ONLY," because strict definitions simply aren't important anymore.

Why on earth would I waste time going to some list of mommy blogs to vote for you when neither you nor I get anything out of it!?
   Hahaha, oh what fun we are having. First of all, how do you know that you won't get anything out of it?! That's what I thought. Second of all, look at this picture of my baby!!

He took this picture all by himself! (no he didn't!)
Well played, good sir. What qualifies you for this award? What are their standards?
   Ooh!! This one I can answer. What qualifies me is that I filled out an application and requested to be considered for this award. Also, it's not so much an award as it is a ranking on a website. Also, I don't have any idea how these rankings work or what they mean. Finally, there are over 4500 mommy blogs on this website, so, I am pretty sure nothing is going to get accomplished here. Oh what fun we are having!!

Wait, what? You weren't even nominated? You applied for this stupid thing?
   Oooh!! This one I can answer too. Yes.

Ugh. Fine. What does it take to vote?
   Oh gosh I don't know. Let's see... Go to the website, for sure. Then, probably you have to register? Give them one of your fake email addresses. Then search for my blog and vote on it? You'll probably have to do one of those "are you a robot!?" tests that involves writing words you couldn't possible decipher unless you were actually a robot, but it's worth it I'm sure.

UPDATE: NO!! It turns out that just by clicking on this link you have already voted for me and improved my ranking!! I am up to 7 points at the time of this writing!! So click hundreds of times!!

UPDATE NUMBER 2: It turns out clicking it over and over doesn't make any difference. You can only vote once from your computer. So grab your friends computer!! Or go to a public library and use ALL OF THEM.

Ugh. Did you know that if I type "my kid is special"  -- your EXACT title -- into their search bar, you come up as the 77th option. Seventy-Seventh!!
   Oh wow! What an honor!!

No, there are only 77 options!!
   I think you've forgotten what a question is. But that's okay, here's a picture of Ryan Gosling.


I'm sorry, I just ... well ... *sigh* ... I mean just look at him ... wait what were we fighting about?
   I don't even remember, something stupid I am sure.

Stupid! That was it! This is stupid. I'm pretty sure I am about to stop reading this blog post until you do something entertaining. This has been an enormous waste of my time. Here, let me make that a question for you: Can you please make this enjoyable?!
   Wow. I've tried to be nice, but, let's get a few things straight. They only way this could be an "enormous" waste of your time is if you read at like 2 words per minute. Thirdly, I give and I give and I give. I post things solely about me and my baby for the world to see so that I can feel like I am cared for, and what do I ask for in return!? I don't do pledge drives, I never ask you to babysit, and I have probably NOT sold your information to Babies R Us. So I don't think voting is a big deal.
   Also, OF COURSE I CAN MAKE THIS ENJOYABLE.




You're absolutely right and I was totally wrong. Your also very handsome and a fantastic parent. Any child would be lucky to have you in their life. I would like to bake you some cookies. Would that be okay?
   Thank you for asking, that would be fine.

My mood: votey vote voteeeee!!
Listening to: mulan obviously
Wyatt's mood: neglected

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

Back to Basics

   Ok, I get it!! I'm reading you loud and clear!!

   You're saying Grant, every other mommy blog I read is actually about the baby. Most of your posts center on you, your minivan, and your lack of friends. I don't care about that stuff!! It's depressing!! Show me some more of your cute baby!!

   Yeah, yeah, I get it. No one ever wants to see me any more. When I get invited to dinner parties help someone move, they always end with "can Wyatt come too?" I'm like "yeah, he can come, but he won't be helpful in the move unless you need some laundry scattered."

   So I've done some research. I've tracked down some other mommy blogs, and now I see what this is supposed to be like. Let me start fresh:

Sunday, August 12, 2012

Parental Savior!!

   Oh man oh man oh man. I was taking Wy for a walk when we came across a garage sale. Like all good garage sales, this one had a "free" box, which basically means it's full of garbage they're hoping we'll grab out of pity. You know, it always has things like a single Reebok shoe, a few chewed up dog toys, and a VHS copy of She's All That or Goodburger or something.
   So, like I always do, I thumbed through the box of rejections. Then I came across the book I have been waiting for since, I dunno, maybe my whole life?!


   The heavens opened and I saw it. 101 Ways to be a Special Mom, by none other than Vicki Freaking Lansky. This is what I've needed. I feel like, at best, I've been a mundane, ordinary, not-at-all-special parent. I mean, I certainly haven't done anything super special to differentiate myself from all of those other parents out there, but with this book I knew I had the key, an advantage no one else had because they hadn't read this book.
   Before I even cracked it open, I had all kinds of questions: One hundred and one ways!! It's amazing there's that many, and that it lands on that perfect amount! I wonder if she had to cut some out to get such a cool number? Is there any possible way this could apply to dads too?! Are these things I would naturally do, or does this stuff only come natural to moms?! Is anything going to be kind of creepy?!

Friday, August 10, 2012

A Day Off!!

   As we all know and universally agree, being a parent is a full time job. Having a real job isn't even nearly as important as staying at home with the kids!! But the wife was heading to Portland for her sister's birthday, taking the baby and spending the night. I had a whole 24 hours to myself!!
   I haven't had a day off in years. There was so much I wanted to do, and the more I thought about it, the more I realized there was so much I needed to do. I mean, the house looks like this:


   The kitchen looks like this:

This was after doing a load of dishes
   The bathroom looks like this:

New floor, no toilet

   And there were all kinds of chores and tasks I hadn't gotten around to in the last few months. I needed to fill the void in my life from not having the baby get stuff done!! So what did I do?! What any crafty, successful stay-at-home parent would do: I made a list!!

   I tackled the list with a fervor. I was determined to prove to my wife that I could accomplish lots, if I just didn't have a baby to deal with. She doesn't really understand how hard it is to drive to the store and buy the baby's food when you have to load a carseat, pack supplies, buckle up the baby while he screams, drive somewhere, unload the baby, go shopping, grab stuff, pay for stuff, load it into your car, load the baby into your car, drive home, unload the crying baby, unload the stuff, shut the door to your house, and put the stuff you bought away.

   (Pro tip: really, really simple tasks seem incredibly difficult and tedious if you list every single possible step in rapid-fire succession.)

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

Safely Sleeping!!

   I've done it! I've invented a revolution in baby sleepification and safety!!


   (Look at how the cute little guy just sleeps in his stroller. Do you see that bottle of pills blending in with his onesie? He grabbed it off the counter a few days ago while I was holding him, and has held on to it as his rattle ever since. It has like four ibuprofen pills in it. Also, did you know his mom is a pharmacist?! Also! Look at how big he's getting!!)

   Like most babies, I assume, Wyatt falls asleep in carseats and strollers and things that strap him in. I'm sure he feels safe and secure, like when he was in the womb, only less wet. Well, I would always wake him up when I'd move him from the stroller or carseat to his queen sized bed crib! It was just the worst!!

   So I came up with a solution:

Baby in the carseat in the crib.
   This is the best of all worlds!! The baby is safe, secure, comfortable, and in his crib. If we were to have to hurry and get in the car, he'd be ready to go! And I try to leave the carseat's handle up to act as a roll bar. Boom.

   And yes, this does make me a fantastic father. For all time. No matter what happens from here on out, I can rest assured, knowing that I am a good dad, because I found a way for my little one to be safe from cars AT ALL TIMES.

My mood: satisfied and excited!!
Wyatt's mood: safe and sleepy!!
Listening to: The Killers

(sidenote: what on earth do you think the womb is like? Nevermind, I don't want to know what you think. I'll just tell you what I think. I think it's warm and moist and dark and cramped, so it pretty much involves the worst combination of words possible.)

Monday, August 6, 2012

The Coast!!

   What's the first thing you do when you get a new minivan? Take it to the beach!! If you said "get insurance" you're right and I'll get right on that, but we threw caution to the wind and decided to head west to end of the continent. So we loaded up the new car, and boy did it have space!

Baby's first trip in the van! This is interesting, okay!!

   We had room for baby, mommy, daddy, auntie, uncle and all of the food and gear we could possibly need!! Minivans are the best!! This one even has a cd player!! Exclamation points!! We took the quick drive to the coast, listening to an old mix-cd I found. (Seriously, do you know where your cds are? No, you don't, because you don't listen to them anymore! Also serious: I would love to have your cds for my car.)

   Here in Oregon we don't actually call it "the beach," because, well, that'd be a lie. The water is too cold to swim in for long, the wind blows hard (and cold), and the sun is rarely out in force. It's not a place to go get tan, meet babes or surf without a wetsuit. In fact, the babies resorted to this shelter Garrett and I had to build:

Shelter from the wind. It's like we're in Iraq or something,

We put up a sheet to try and shield Cara, Auntie Ashley
and Baby Wallet (AKA "the babies") from the harsh wind.
   Yep!! Sunglasses, sunscreen, sweatpants and jackets make for a typical August day on the Oregon Coast.  Just so you know, it looked like this for a long time:

I wonder if we'll see any celebrities!?
   I even forgot to bring anything warm whatsoever!! I guess I was just too preoccupied providing for and protecting my family. So I was just in my sandals, t-shirt and shorts, like a sucker. After about 45 minutes of this we gave up. As we were leaving our prized shelter, we saw other groups of people trying desperately to have fun: Two guys throwing a football that veered in weird directions because of the wind, a young family hiding in the tall grass from the galeforce winds, a sad child failing to fly his kite, someone chasing an errant frisbee for miles. It just made you want to give everyone a hug! I wanted to yell "We tried, everyone!! Maybe next time!?"

   Luckily our town on the coast, Florence, has lots of little lakes, great state parks and enormous sand dunes. So we went to Honeymon Park, laid in the sand and got warm.

Wyatt doing his army crawl, in keeping with our Desert Storm Trooper theme. 
   Guess what?! Wy loves the sand. He can't get enough of it, and not just in his mouth! He loved playing and crawling and trying to walk and throwing sand and burying my no-longer-function cell phone! When we put him on the ground on the sand dune, he crawled/rolled down several feet, just giggling!!


   He loves the water too!! The lakes on the coast are very warm and comfy, so they're easy to splash in. What a great time was had by all!! This is the most interesting thing you could have read today!!

My mood: adventurous but tired from all of the adventuring!!
Wy's mood: excited for new experiences!!
Listening to: Prom Mix 2003

Thursday, August 2, 2012

Manhood Lost



   I know I was never that cool. I mean, I write a blog that basically chronicles my misadventures as a housemom. I've been driving a '95 Buick Grandma for like 8 years. The first girl I asked to homecoming just straight said "no." There are pictures of me doing this and looking like this (If you ever get tired of me linking to those same two pages, just say so). In college I majored in math, which is basically like majoring in pokemon. You get it, I'm not a cool dude.

   But COME ON.


   Did my ego need this shot? No it did not. It's bad enough that when I would meet students to tutor, they often always drove away in a nicer car than I did. One time my car wouldn't even start, and that punk 16-year-old sophomore drove by and gave me a quizzical, judgemental look. It was as if he was saying "I'm sure not going to make the same mistakes in life he did." But I think I'd rather drive a non-starting '95 Buick Virgin than a minivan.


This is my exact car, except mine has more body
damage and has had fewer chicks in it, I am sure.

   So, yeah, we have a minivan now. You might be asking "Why do you need a minivan, don't you only have one kid?" or maybe you wonder "Why do you work so hard to push away all of your friends, who don't have kids and minivans and spit-up on their shirts?" These are valid questions, and you may direct them towards my wife.

   Still, maybe there are some good things that come out of this. It will now be nearly impossible for me to pick up ladies. It used to be I'd walk through the grocery store and see a girl oggling Wyatt, and I'd ask if she'd want to meet my nephew. But now, when she sees my car, the jig is up. I feel like this is healthy. If nothing else, it will make it more challenging. It seems that I like challenges.

Ugh.

My mood: seriouslywhywouldyouevenask!?
Wyatt's mood: cutting teeth is painful!
Listening to: Everybody Hurts by REM