Sunday, August 12, 2012

Parental Savior!!

   Oh man oh man oh man. I was taking Wy for a walk when we came across a garage sale. Like all good garage sales, this one had a "free" box, which basically means it's full of garbage they're hoping we'll grab out of pity. You know, it always has things like a single Reebok shoe, a few chewed up dog toys, and a VHS copy of She's All That or Goodburger or something.
   So, like I always do, I thumbed through the box of rejections. Then I came across the book I have been waiting for since, I dunno, maybe my whole life?!

   The heavens opened and I saw it. 101 Ways to be a Special Mom, by none other than Vicki Freaking Lansky. This is what I've needed. I feel like, at best, I've been a mundane, ordinary, not-at-all-special parent. I mean, I certainly haven't done anything super special to differentiate myself from all of those other parents out there, but with this book I knew I had the key, an advantage no one else had because they hadn't read this book.
   Before I even cracked it open, I had all kinds of questions: One hundred and one ways!! It's amazing there's that many, and that it lands on that perfect amount! I wonder if she had to cut some out to get such a cool number? Is there any possible way this could apply to dads too?! Are these things I would naturally do, or does this stuff only come natural to moms?! Is anything going to be kind of creepy?!

   Well, I opened it up and the first thing I turned to was about baths: "Prepare or give a bath by candlelight." Not at all creepy!! Keep 'em coming Vicki Lansky!!
   (Wait, why would you need to prepare the bath by candlelight? That just seems unnecessarily dangerous. I won't question Vicki Lansky.)

   Next up: "Share time with your child in a hammock - now there's nice quality time!" I do this already, and my hammock won't even eat my son's legs!! It really does just come naturally, I guess.

   Oh, how I wished that there was more I could learn from Vicki than just these 101 things, including "have holiday traditions," "don't be afraid to say NO," and a real gem I'd never thought of: "make your child's birthday special." Vicki is the best! I looked through the bin, hoping against hope for more, and guess what I found!!

   101 Ways to Tell Your Child "I Love You" !!!!!! What!? Was this really happening to me?! I was primed to be the best parent ever!!
   If you're like me, you probably thought it was just going to be the words "I love you" translated into different languages. So, Je t'adore (French); I think I right fancy you (British); Teyamo (Mexican); Eingen fein liemen von schnazen dot schietzel (German); and Nik tok tik ti (made up), but boy were we wrong!!
   It has actual gestures of love like "Draw a heart and the words I love you on the back of your child's hand with a ball point pen. It's both naughty and nice." So true, Vicki Lansky, so true. Or, ooh! you could write "I love you" in a secret, coded message where the kid has to hold it up to a mirror to read it! Really, it looks like all of these do involve literally saying "I love you" in different ways, although one suggestion was for a dad to kiss his child while shaving, because everyone likes being traumatized at a youn - wait! What's that I see?!

   Are you freaking kidding me!? A third Vicki Lansky 101 countdown book in the same free bin?! This one all about how to make my kid feel special, but not in a short-bus sort of way!? Wow, let's crack it open!
   It has advice like "let your child give you a back massage by walking up and down your back" (my dad "let" us do that!), and "give your child a standing ovation (from family, friends or both) at mealtime or anytime or anytime it's appropriate" which is just so true and something my parents never ever did for me. Did I mention that they had way more pictures of my siblings up in the house than they did of me?

Vicki Lansky!! Her office
looks just like mine.
   Oh man oh man oh man I know I need to stop. There are quite literally almost 300 more things I could share with you, but I don't want to give away all my new secrets! Just know that this is the best garage sale find ever, and little baby Wyatt is going to have such a better life because of it. What was that garage seller thinking, putting these in the free box underneath those rusty hedge clippers when she could have sold them for, I dunno, two dollars, easy!? It is worth noting that they were selling a CD copy of the soundtrack to Dumb and Dumber, so, maybe their judgement isn't the best.

My mood: ecstatic and excited for the future!!
Wy's mood: wondering why I'm so giddy!!
Listening to: The Bourne Identity soundtrack

(note: it turns out that Vicki Lansky has written like three million books and probably has more money than I'll ever see.)

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