Thursday, February 12, 2015

Baby Cow Mama!!

   As any good parent knows, it's helpful to get a child who is about to become an older sibling some sort of doll, so that they can show their affection towards the new baby and mimic the parents. All good parents do this.

   Cara is not a good parent. Recently, Wyatt took the initiative to adopt a baby cow, because someone who is Wyatt's mom gave him no baby human.

Blurry Baby Bump

   Wyatt is... an unorthodox parent. He loves his baby cow very much. He likes to take care of it when we are all sick, he likes to hang it upside down from the crane truck and laugh hysterically, and he likes to put it in his shirt to keep it ... warm? Safe? Or is that his womb? I don't know. He'll place it gently in a shopping cart to ride through the store, and he'll throw it across the table to get my attention.

Some of Wy's best parenting. There's a lot I could learn from this kid. Note
the koala comfortably driving. Note the still-terrifying "M-is-for-Monster."

   He wants to sing lots of baby cow songs to his baby cow. He doesn't know any baby cow songs. He'll ask me, over and over and over "Sing the baby cow mom song!!" So I'll make up a song about a baby cow mom. It goes like this "Baby cow mom, baby cow mom, this is the song of the baby cow mom," only the tune to it is way better than however you just heard it in your head.

   The problem, however, is I'm singing the wrong baby cow mom song. He gets very upset and whines at me that it's the wrong one, to sing the other one. Please remember, there is no actual baby cow mom song. Much like Atlas or Hercules or some Greek character I am not going to bother to look up, I am stuck pushing a boulder up a hill, and as soon as I am about to reach the top, the boulder starts screaming that I should push a different boulder that isn't real and sounds totally different. Xena? I am pretty sure that one is Xena.

   Wyatt likes to say that I am the baby cow's dad, he is the baby cow's mom, and the wolf is the baby cow's mom. I am terrified to ask what the wolf actually is, but otherwise I think this makes pretty good sense.

He really wanted to take some family photos, so here we go (wolf mom not pictured, because we are in a fight).

Wyatt really wanted his arm around me in this picture. And he REALLY wanted my knee to
 play a large role. He also thought Cara should be in it so she dangled some hair in the corner.

   Wyatt loves to put the baby cow between his legs, lightly shake it back and forth and say with great excitement "Baby Cow is hatching!!" You might think it's weird that he thinks a mammal is hatching, when that's only for spiders, but it makes sense. When we told Wyatt where babies come from, we made a cute little medley of the classic stories: The stork, some eggs hatching, God knitting in the mommy's belly, and any Twilight werewolf references that seemed to fit. The whole time, Wyatt was like "Why are you telling me this I never asked I'm barely three," so it worked out great.

   One day Wyatt will outgrow the baby cow. We are hoping it is tonight, because I had to steal it from him while he was sleeping to get that crane picture above, and now I have no idea where it is. But whenever that day comes, I feel like this is something we will forget all about in 10 years. That's the main reason I write this blog: To have lots of ammo to use against him when he is in his formative, highly embarrassable years.

My mood: very amused by all of this
Wyatt's mood: very paternal and maternal at the same time
Cara's mood: glad Link is sleeping better and feeding less frequently
Link's mood: starting to smile!!
Listening to: Andalucia by Pink Martini

Monday, February 9, 2015

Wyatt's Best Hero!!

We had our friend Betsey Jaskilka over at Framed Living take some photos of us. Here are Lincoln, Wyatt, Cara, Grant, and Grants' Chins.

   Guys, I am just in a really good place right now. It's a Tuesday night, and the kids and the wife are in Portland with Cara's family, planning a fun zoo day tomorrow. This isn't why I am in a good place, but it certainly helps. I, of course, am choosing to spend it with you, talking incessantly about myself. This is generally my move at parties, and everyone seems to love it and want to talk about nothing else, so we will just keep that trend moving forward.

   I teach math to high-school kids. This means that I can do things that they can't and it makes them think I am a genius. It helps that I teach a lot of freshmen, who know next to nothing, so whenever I factor or complete the square, their jaws drop. I get to spend most of my days telling people that I am smarter than them and that they need to listen to me, and they do!!

   I also have a three year old son who thinks I am the greatest thing to happen to humanity. I am starting to agree. One of Wyatt's most common phrases is "You my best hero, Dad!!" HIS BEST HERO, GUYS. There are other heroes out there, but I am by far the best. And if I help him beat a level of Mario - I mean, no, he's not playing Nintendo at our house, just reading and drawing and abunchofsticks in the back yard and nature and none of those electronicsohmygoshstupjudging me. Anyways, if I help him beat a level of Sticks, he is unbelievably impressed. He thinks I can fix anything, if "anything" means a light bulb and definitely not my car. (We have "Mom's car," "Dad's truck," and "Broke car.") And the other day, when I made a turn into a parking lot, he exclaimed "Nice turn, Dad!!" Seriously.

Look at these two little guys. Also, we have NO IDEA whose hands those are, and it's freaking us out. 

   So between the students that are in awe of me, my son who idolizes me, and my wife who hangs on my every word, action, and thought, I am pretty much the king of my little hill. Which is why I don't go to parties or interact with adults. For one, it breaks the illusion, and also I don't seem to get invited to parties anymore.

   I am untouchable. I coach kids in ultimate frisbee, a sport no one ever plays, so no one out there is better than me. I was once the a top-20 ranked player at Tetris on Facebook. Top 20, guys. Sure, the game had only been out for 4 hours, and within two days I wasn't in the top 10,000, but I don't think you can claim top-20 at anything, can you? I mean, I even ride my bike to work for crying out loud, so I can win any argument about global warming. But that's not why I bike to work. I bike to work because I saw my belly in the mirror one morning and thought "Oh gosh it's happening" and hopped on my bike, hoping that one ride would cancel out two whole packages of E.L.Fudge cookies that I consumed in one night. Hour. It was one hour.

   I mean, they say that fat weighs more than muscle, which is probably why I've gained a little weight in the last year or so. Also YESIKNOWFATWEIGHSLESSTHANMUSCLE why is it so important for you to always correct me on these things?

   With a free night and the world at my fingertips, a man-about-town like myself wants nothing more than to do some laundry, watch Zoolander for a record ninety-third time, write a quick note to his dozens and dozens of blog followers, and drink some tea. Well, dozen. I mean, hi mom. I'm great.

   I am not even 30, so clearly, "man in his prime" looks a lot like me.

My mood: just being honest and accurate.
Wyatt, mom, and Lincoln's moods: I have no idea but I can safely assume they are missing me terribly.
Listening to: all kinds of music with words we don't want Wyatt or mom to hear.

Sunday, January 25, 2015

Uncle Bear is Engaged AKA We Have A New Babysitter!!

Wyatt and Uncle Garrett. Wy calls him "Unk Bear," and here they are hunting Christmas Trees

   Well, America, we've been adding family members left and right and upside-down over here. First, Auntie Ashley got married to Kirk, which lead to the cutest set of pictures in the history of Western Civilization. Then our precious little Lincoln was born, which lead to the greatest picture ever taken in the history of instagram (scroll down a few). And now, my brother, Uncle Garrett is engaged!! To an actual girl this time!!

   We haven't talked about Garrett much over here at My Kid Is Special, because, well, he's never really done anything before. My fiancee-in-law is named Faith, and she is sure excited to watch my kids whenever I want, all the time, for free!! Here is a really, really good picture of her that proves she's real.

She's the girl on the left. Not the one holding her hair. The one in the black-and-white striped, old-timey prison uniform. No, not that one, the other one. The one who is looking at me like "When is the earliest I can kill you?!" She's super great, though.

   We like Faith because she's not afraid to scare the living coconuts out of small children.

This was Faith's rendition of "M is for Monster" and also sweet dreams Wyatt!!
   Seriously, that's messed up. You can see that Cara tried to add some pink and some hearts and rainbows and MyLittlePonies and stuff to make the whole "M-Is-For-Monster" thing a little less terrifying, but it wasn't too effective. And, it's not like we can take it down, that was Faith's first piece of art!! It belongs on the wall of letters!!

   Here's a picture Wyatt took himself, so we at least we can safely assume that it's not seeping into his pysche or anything and OHMYGOSHTHAT'STERRIFYING

Why would you even go with "M is for Monster" in the first place?!

   It comes as a part of our wall of the alphabet. When Wyatt walks by, we'll often ask him to name each letter. Look!!

   As our more astute readers have noticed, the letter "E" doesn't belong on the wall of letters. We were Entertaining some Energetic Elementary-aged kids and "E" was Eviscerated, so for now Wyatt reads "A, B, C, D, there should be an E here, F, G ..." only he doesn't actually do the part with the E. We don't think he is going to be too screwed up by this.

   Yes, you read that correctly. My ThrEE year old can say the letters up through N, gets read to almost every month, and likes to color and play with Play-Dough that we make ourselves. He likes to help make coffee, can't sing ANY songs, and only eats chocolate and cookies for food. It's pretty clear who the world's greatest parents are. In case it's not clear, it's me and also sometimes Cara.

   That isn't even all of the family art up in the house!! The big thing in the middle was done by yours truly. No, not truly. It was done by Cara, which is weird because it is so geometric which makes you think it's be done by me. The two on the right are some of Wyatt's adventures in water-painting (there are two more on the left, but I couldn't get them all in one shot without having horrible glare. And not in the cool Michael Bay ways).

Art on the walls by Cara and Wyatt. But don't feel bad for me, I have some art that is prominently on display in the trash can. If I were to be honest, that's where it belongs.

  Also here's a picture of our other special kid while sleeping.

Good skin day for Lincoln.
My mood: proud of my brother and a little concerned for his fiancee!!
Wyatt's mood: not wanting to eat anything
Lincoln's mood: wanting to only eat everything all the time
Cara's appetite: making lots of great food for us to eat and also lots of chicken nuggets and fries!!
Listening to: James Taylor

Monday, January 19, 2015

Bedtime Stories!!

Wyatt feeding Lincoln while ... prepping ... for the dentist?

   Guys, we're reading to Wyatt all the time. It's because we are truly superb parents. And, as absolutely wonderful as kids' books are, they can be absolutely awful.

   I am talking about plot, of course. Why, oh why, would any children's book ever try to have a plot?! When I sit down to read a story, I don't want there to be paragraphs, or developing characters, or feelings or anything. I want people hopping on pop and counting fish and eating moldy eggs. But when there is a farmer trying to make it to town and back, with obstacles and funny interactions, ugh. Too many words and pages and too much time. Whenever Wyatt wants to read something about Paddington, or even a thorough George, my heart sinks. I just want it to rhyme and move fast.

   I feel the same way about kids' shows. The less plot, the better. Wyatt has recently gotten back into Jake and the Neverland Pirates. (Funny story, I hope: Wyatt reconnected with the show because he had a dream about it. He has been telling us about his dreams, but it took us a while to figure out that's what was going on. "Dad, I was a could, and the cloud was James, and then, and then, and then I went to school and you were there and mom was not there and you were not there." It's super fun.) One day, after he came to me and said "Dad I watch Jake when I close my eyes!" I told him we weren't going to watch any Jake today. He go sad, but then went to his bed and closed his eyes and hoped to watch more. He was disappointed when it didn't work.

Cara eating Link's cheeks. A pretty common occurrence round these parts.

   Anyways, Jake initially didn't have any of that awful plot stuff. Sure, Jake and his puny pirate friends to save the treasure from Captain Hook and Smee, but the "treasure" was always things like "friendship" or "learning" or "vegetables." The show might've even tried to have some puzzles or counting exercises or something. But they gave up on that pretty quick, and the "treasure" was pretty much just "treasure" and they tried to have some of that stupid plot. They introduced new characters and had story lines that reoccurred and it was horrible. They even gave Captain Hook a mother, for crying out loud!! Now, I just recently saw Hook for the first time, and I can assure you that mothers in Neverland is NOT CANON.

   Plot is the worst. Sing a funny song that doesn't get stuck in my head, have good music and good voice acting, and get on with it. (On that note, you should try watching Justin Time). Still, Wyatt's new favorite thing is for me to be Captain Hook and him to be Jake. I chase him around the house with my finger curled like a hook, yelling things like "I'll get you Jake, if it's the last thing I do!!" or "Come back with me treasure, you puny pirates!!" or "Smee!!!!" or "Blast you, scurvy scallawags!!" or okay you caught me I really like this game.

My mood: not as sleepying as like as I'd much to be
Wyatt's mood: counting gold doubloons.
Lincoln's mood: might not like dairy that much:
Cara's mood: might have to not consume dairy that much (and no more happiness!!)
Listening to: the Friends theme song while watching Friends over and over.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

Grocery Shopping Perfected!!

   We found quite literally the last parking spot at Costco and braved the crowds for some food stocks to survive the long, moderate Willamette Valley winter. While there, Wyatt had a breakthrough whose magnitude cannot yet be appreciated. Let's just say that shopping will never be the same:


   Why on earth had I never thought of this when I was young?! I mean, younger. It's only because I am such an awesome father that Wyatt even has things like this cross his mind, really. When shopping, I am the dad that lets Wyatt ride in the shopping cart, hang on the sides like he's windsurfing, push or pull, or drive it into the little cardboad cookie stands at the ends of isles (my hope is to be all "Hey Mr. Manager these cookies are broken someone ran over them I might as well take them home," but Mr. Manager is always like "Please just call me Bob."
   Anyways, this method of cart transportation was fun, had Wyatt out of the way and safe and always nearby, and garnered us both lots of attention. All the kids who were sitting in the little seats had an expression of "What have I been doing with my life?!" why they saw this.
   December 30th, 2014, the world was forever changed. By Wyatt-but-mostly-Dad Gilchrist

   This is not, however, the first potentially-world-changing event to take place in the gates of Kirkland. Do you remember my awesome idea for a reality show? I wrote about it in my other blog, you know the one that used to house all my ideas and super impressive thoughts. It pretty much died once this one started. BECAUSE THIS BLOG GETS ALMOST 60 MORE PAGE VIEWS PER DAY.
I would love to take 12 people, lock them in a Costco, and see how long they live. Months? Years? Forever? Can they build a new society?

   I've actually written-and-then-never-published a couple things over there. (I'm not linking to it because when I went back and looked it over all I thought was "sheesh this is embarassing drivel." Totally unlike this blog, which will stand the test of time.) (Okay fine you talked me into it.) Stuff like "My thoughts on the Mission Impossible Quartology: Mission is this really necessary?!" and "151 Reasons Why Bulbasaur is the Best Starting Pokemon." (Don't really, there weren't actually 151 reasons, obvs). But, when you get right down to it, no one really cares about me when this little guy is around...

Lincoln doing what Lincoln does.
I woke up planning to make pancakes. Wyatt yelled in his sleep "I want a pancake!!" I figured I'd spoil the kid until he's completely entitled and just let him wake up to it. Sadly, he woke up like an hour and a half after this was taken and wasn't impressed.

   I know those pictures are the reason you come here, but thanks for at least pretending to read some of the text.

My mood: Left out
Wyatt's mood: hungry
Lincoln's mood: sleepy/hungry. Always sleepy hungry.
Cara's mood: Milk Truck.
Listening to: Kids Bop 7 (not the best one)

Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Some Big Changes!!

   Well, guys, we are now a family of four. This means I've got street cred. No more do other parents see me and offer unsolicited adviceslashjudgement. None of this "Oh we only gave Bradley breast milk from Tibetan monks, but it's good you give your newborn so much Yoohoo..." because I am legit. Now, instead, parents look at me and nod with that grim look of admiration and "You're one of us now!!" with just a hint of "Darn he's handsome."

   So, yeah, there are some changes. As you've seen by now, I had my buddy Sean Lee whip up some new art to reflect my growing family. (If you'd like so see some of his work, it's found at

Not at all creepy, Wyatt!!
   The first place our family of four went was to the store to buy beer. This is not a lie. Wyatt really likes it!! That is a lie. Anyways, we showed up at Wal-Mart (holy crap the first time Lincoln left the house was to go to Wal-Mart to buy beer I should go to jail), and I thought "How... How do we do this?! There are two of them!! When Wy was born it took 11 bags and 45 pounds of gear to go anywhere, and now there are two of them!!" I am pretty sure that this is uncharted parenting territory, that we are the first to ever take two kids to the store at the same time. Pioneers.

   The real big change - apart from, you know, the new person in the world with us - is seeing the changes in Wyatt. We worked hard to make him excited about the new baby. Never blaming anything on him, always talking about how much fun they would have, even buying Wyatt presents from Lincoln. But when Link came, well, this was our first captured memory:

Link with his dad, Uncle Bear, Auntie Ashley, and brother Wyatt. 
   Wyatt didn't say a word to me, or anyone, when he first met his new brother. You have to understand, from the time we realized Link was coming, to the time he actually came, only a little over two hours passed. Wyatt went from hanging out at home with Ash, Mom and Dad, to having Ash take him to the hospital where a new person was out in the world.

   He was carried in by Ashley and was completely silent, still, and expressionless, except for his wide open eyes. I asked if he wanted to meet his brother ("No"), say hi to the baby ("No"), or kiss the baby (nothing). That was his first night.

   He spent the night with Ash, and asked if mom and the baby were okay all night. He was excited to come see us the next day, but was again overwhelmed by the new reality.

   But it didn't take long for him to warm up!! He spent the next few days asking about the baby, saying hi, wanting to pet and hold and kiss it, and say "Baby winkin" all the time. The best thing that happened was, of course, done by me: I meant to tell Wyatt "I have to go change your baby brother's diaper," but instead said "I have to go change your baby's diaper."

   He perked up at this, and had a huge, wondrous smile. "Oh!! It's my baby?"
I wasn't sure what to do. "Well, no, not really ... it ... um ..."
"It's not mom's baby it's my baby!"
"Sure, Wy, it's your baby."

   Since that moment, when Link was 4 days old, Wy has called him "my baby" ever since. "Daddy my baby's crying. Mommy, my baby's hungry." It is absurdly precious. He even wants us to go back to the hospital to pick up three more babies.

Wyatt's first time with mom and Lincoln. Dad's first time trying to manually focus a camera.

   (Quick little side story: Wyatt's biggest fear is being bored. When we are going to get in the car and run lots of errands, as we are climbing into the carseat he'll often exclaim "Oh no, I'm bout to be bored!!" with a lot of fear in his voice. So, when baby Link is crying, he'll say calmly "Baby sad," and when the baby is feeding or sleeping, he calmly says "Baby sleeping," but when Link is awake and still and quiet, this is when Wy freaks out. "Oh no, baby is getting bored!!" Also absurdly precious.

   In all honesty, before Lincoln was born, Wyatt was a good kid. But since he's become a big brother, he has become an outstanding kid. I mean it. He is obedient, helpful, happy, eager to do things for us, and loves to love his brother. We are going to have 12 more kids just to make him really perfect.

My mood: up all night, sleep all day
Wyatt's mood: fussy
Link's mood: sleeping a bit more at night
Cara's mood: wants to take a bath (we all want this)
Listening to: James Taylor, New Moon Shine  

Friday, December 19, 2014

Baby Feet!!

   This blog post is exactly what it sounds like. Millions and millions of pictures of baby feet. I don't know why there were so many on the camera once I loaded the pictures onto the computer, but after assessing some damage control, I think it's a problem. Like, I am concerned for my wife and her foot obsession. Check this out...

Cara took every single one of these pictures.

I am going to show them all to you. 
Some pictures are almost indistinguishable from each other.

Others are just like what?!

But no, this is not the same exact picture as the last one. She just took two of them.

This is a much better angle.

Yeah okay that's kind of cute.

I suppose they are absurdly tiny. 
Okay my plan to mock Cara is backfiring - I am becoming obsessed with baby feet.

Don't hide from me, foot!! You're too cute!!

Wait... is this the same picture as before? (No!!)

This one is!!

We told the left foot "Be plain" and the right foot "Get angry!!"

"Work that camera, left!! What are you doing, right?!!"

I need to wrap this up in a hurry.
What!? Really, Cara? Your own feet?

I didn't realize this was such a thing for you.

I mean, if you'd told me, I guess we could have worked on it.

Did you move to a new location to get a different pattern in the background?

Here's an old picture of Wyatt's feet I dug around to find. I guess I need t join the party and make this a family affair...

I wanted to try and join in the fun, but failed miserably. Socks!? What was I thinking.