Monday, August 20, 2012

Dodged A Bullet!!

(note: In case you aren't clear on this point: I'M NOT SERIOUS!!! LIKE, HARDLY EVER AM I BEING SERIOUS AND THIS IS A KEY EXAMPLE!!) 

Okay, I think we're in the clear. I feel safe to talk about this now that I don't think I can jinx it.

   I am so glad that Wyatt isn't a redhead.
*whew!* Not a lot of red in there!!
   Cara has kinda-red hair. It's not really red, and not as red as it was when she was younger, but it's there. I looooove redheaded girls (and thus felt a bit betrayed when I learned she was coloring her hair back when we started dating), but I just can't stand redheaded boys. I mean, can anyone? I think we're all in the same boat on this. Let's do a comparison:

My wife as a child holding up her little brother, Kip. Notice how
adorable she is and what a little punk he obviously must be.
   Red Headed Girls: sweet
   Red Headed Boys: the worst

   Red Headed Girls: cute
   Red Headed Boys: unathletic and awkward

   Red Headed Girls: charming
   Red Headed Boys: usually little brats

   Red Headed Girls: rare
   Red Headed Boys: need to be pushed further towards extinction.

   With Wy it was touch and go for a while there. He has a bit of red in his hair, but he is unequivocally blond at this point. For this I am thankful. If he ever does morph into a redhead, I will still love him almost as much, but it will be a challenge. My patience with him will be so much shorter, because whenever he does anything bratty I'll think "He's going to be this way forever because of that stupid hair," whereas when he behaves in a snotty manner with his hair this color, I'll just think it's cute and that he's entitled to it.
   Think about it. Do you know any redheaded boys that you are fond of?

   ... You're still thinking, aren't you.
   ... No, Opie doesn't count. In fact, if The Andy Griffith Show weren't in black-and-white, I think Opie would have ruined the whole thing.



   ... Oh! You finally came up with that boy at school whose name you can't remember because he was just SO ODD YOU NEVER TALKED TO HIM. I get it. We had neighbors that had the most adorable little red headed girl and the most tolerable red headed boys. They were nice and kind of quaint - a bit of a novelty really - but I don't think they'll ever amount to anything.
   You might be wondering "If your wife's hair isn't really that red - and neither is yours - why were you worried?" Great question. I'll tell you why: Cara's brother, Kip. Kip has red hair. It's in Cara's genes and I wish I'd thought of this before we got married. Also, Kip is the worst too.

Kip!! Get your grimy face away from my -- oh, that's not mine.
That's one of your nieces, Baby Isla. You may proceed.
   If I'm offending you or your children, I don't intend to. Redheads have lots of redeeming qualities, like the ability to wear long-sleeved shirts whenever the sun is out. Or to pass for Irish if necessary. I am sure I am going to get lots of angry emails that say "Wait a second, my nephew's friend has red hair and he hasn't killed any animals this year!" and I'll say "I'm sure he's very sweet and I'm mistaken and his teeth aren't horribly crooked like all the redheads I've known," but you and I both know I'm right.
   Or I might get an email from Cara's mom, saying "Wait you think my son is the worst?!" Yes, Connie, I do!! Last time I was at your house he walked around in his underwear the whole time! When we first met, he had a broken nose from headbutting A DOG!! And! He smells like a dinosaur! I want to take him to museums and sit him next to the fossils and say to all the kids "We aren't sure exactly what dinosaurs looked like, but we're pretty sure they smell like this creepy guy." I know you'd like little redheaded grandchildren, and I know you wish Cara had married Travis instead (I still don't see what the big deal about owning a heating and air conditioning repair company is!), but you're stuck with me and my thick dark hair and girly hands, okay!

   Let me end this incredibly long, hate-filled blog post with a quick story.

   I was talking Wyatt for a walk a few months ago. As regular fans of My Kid Is Special!! can attest, I take Wy on walks around 22 times per week. I happened across a friend, a neighbor mom with kids in high school. She is tall, pretty, very funny and has fiery red hair. I said to her "Well, I'm just glad that it's looking like Wyatt won't have red hair" and she said very matter-of-factly "You know that is a good thing. I didn't have friends until high school, and it's because I was tall and because of my hair. My friends even told me that. They didn't think of me as a person when I was in grade school, because I stood out so much."
   You speak the truth, tall woman with red hair, a good sense of humor and irrational fear of squirrels. Thank goodness my boy is blond.

My mood: relieved, but feeling guilty about my relief
Wyatt's mood: let's explore the front yard!!
Listening to: Kanye


  1. You shouldn't pander to the B3 (blonde brown black) majority like this.

    This is how it starts, you know.

    Someone writes a semi-funny 'innocent' blog post and pretty soon the world explodes into hate-filled darkness.

    See you on the Clairol aisle, fellow gingers.

    1. "semi-funny," please, that was downright hilarious from start to finish. Wyatt loved it.

  2. Oh, and thanks for not singling me out for abuse.

    I was going to ask you for your Incubus playlist, but that was before I knew about your little bigotry problem.