Monday, July 30, 2012

A Disconcerting Trend

   My parents got us a wonderful screw-on high chair for our baby shower. It's been a fantastic piece of equipment, because it attaches to any surface with some sort of lip (like a table or most countertops), and can travel to restaurants, other people's houses, and on vacation and such.

   As you can see, it gets very messy. Wyatt likes to try and eat the high chair while eating food. The cloth comes off, so you can easily wash it ten to fifteen times per day! And you'll probably have to!

   But lately, little baby Wyatt has started to make us pretty nervous.

Crawl to the knife, Wyatt! Or... gosh, are those giant hedge trimmers in the background?

   That's right. Little baby Wallet, who can walk on his own now, likes to stand up and crawl out of his chair. It's terrifying!! Sometimes he just crawls on the counter, which is... okay... but sometimes he leans over the edge!! Gah!
   The chair even comes with little belts to strap him in, but he squirms out of them. I can just see the headline now: Irresponsible, Awful Father Let's Baby Fall On Head While Playing Tetris. Mother Could Have Done Better.

   Now let's get one thing straight: I think that's a bed headline, because it is not clear which of us was playing Tetris. If Wyatt could play that wonderful little game successfully, then I think that's a bigger deal than him falling off a high-chair! Now let's get a second thing straight: Yeah, I get it. Wyatt only really needs a mother at this point in his life. She's the one that he cries for and she's the one that they synchronized their periods with while he was in the womb, or whatever, but I am doing just fine!

   For example, I am the one that put that adorable little bib on him in the first place, and I am the one that paused to take a picture of him standing precariously in his clip-on high chair. So I think it's clear that I know what I am doing, and don't need any innate sense or some sort of biological something to get through a day with a ten month old.

We tend to dress alike - because that's adorable
My mood: scared!!
Wyatt's mood: fearless!!
Listening to: Kenny G

Thursday, July 26, 2012

Some Breakthroughs!!

  Goodness, every day truly is another miracle when there's a baby in your life, or when there's a Cinnabon near your house. A lot has been going on in our household lately, so let's not waste any time and get to it!

   First off, Wy has been flirting with walking for a few weeks now. I posted some videos of him standing and taking a few steps recently, but at the time both of those activities required a lot of encouragement.

   No more.

   This video was taken at Wyatt's Great-Grandparent's house (Cara's Gramma). I wasn't even around for it!  (FYI, the action doesn't start until about 30 seconds in)

   Did you see that!? My little baby can walk, all just because he saw some knobs on a drawer and wanted to get to them! (The kid loves knobs). This was taken maybe two or three days ago. Wyatt really likes his GreatGrandparents, and he seems especially active there.

   Then this happened last night:

   Bang! Take that mom, who was nowhere in sight!! I guess it is I, daddy, who was present for the greatest triumph of his life to date, and I bet he'll remember that forever. In ten years we'll be arguing around the kitchen table about whether or not dad is better than mom, and even though I'll totally be winning anyways, I can sneak and "And, mom wasn't even around when you learned to walk!" Victory.
   I wonder who regrets having a job now?!

   But that's not all. As the super fans of My Kid Is Special undoubtedly remember, (because I bring it up ALL THE TIME), Wyatt refuses to hold his own bottle. Well, we made a small step for mankind today on our trip to Talbots I mean Kohls The Home Depot:

   Wha!?!? He's holding his sippy cup to his mouth, and tilting it up so he can consume beverage!! This might be the happiest day of my life apart from that one time I beat Super Mario Brothers 3 in 5th grade. (This isn't even a good picture, as he was holding it up WAY further today!)
   I am the best freaking dad ever.

My mood: I feel like the best freaking dad ever.
Wyatt's mood: ready to take on the world!
Listening to: Foster The People

Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Lifelong Realizations

Ahh yes, the day our lives changed, and I would look forever creepy and weird.

   Shortly after Wyatt was born, there would be time where the gravity of my new life would hit me. All of a sudden, really out of nowhere, it dawns on me: I will have a kid for the rest of my life.

   This first happened while I was doing laundry. I had just put Wyatt down for a nap, maybe two or three weeks old. I guess things had just barely started to hit the routine stage, where Wyatt would go sleep for a few minutes and I'd try to collect myself. The school year had hit a groove, my wife was sleeping, and I needed to get some stuff done. I was tired and exhausted, and those are two different things. This was now my life.
   It didn't make me happy or apprehensive or feel burdened. It just was. I knew it was coming. I didn't know what it would mean before it came, but I knew I'd learn what it meant, so it wasn't a big deal.

   Another realization hit me recently, and this one did feel like a burden. This one depressed me: I will have to feed this kid several times a day for like 10 years. I'll have to purchase, prepare, present and physically feed this little human food.
   Every stinkin' day.
   What a drag.

When we don't have a baby spoon, I feed him applesauce with a spatula. Because it wouldn't make any sense to have MORE THAN ONE BABY SPOON, WOULD IT CARA!?

   That's always seemed like the worst part about families with several young children. The meals. It just looks so draining and frustrating, even when the kids are well behaved. I don't plan to let Wyatt complain about food, as much as I have control over that, but holy cow there's a lot of work involved.
   And, the thing about food is that it matters. It's not something you can repeatedly screw up. These days, if I just gave Wyatt formula for a meal that's fine. If I just give him formula for a whole day, that's not great, but it's okay. If I just give him formula for like three days, with no solids or vegetables or anything, I am doing his body a disservice. Formula is easy!! No cleaning! No mess! No struggle! Food is hard!! Cleaning! Mess! Struggle! Every stinkin' day!

   Maybe if my wife would be willing to pitch in and buy some food, make some food, and feed some babies, things would be a little easier for me. She keeps playing the "I just worked 12 hours and got home at 9:00 pm and why on earth is the baby crying have you not fed him at all today?!" card, which is totally bogus because she works at a pharmacy IN A GROCERY STORE so it's like come on just buy a pizza and some chinese food! But feeding the baby three or four times a day is work too, so don't tell me I don't do anything all day. I feed the baby and let it take naps and that's enough. Except for when I am working (which could be any day now!), in which case we need to be more equitable in how we split that crap up.
   Then she says "He's just wearing a diaper, and it's not even covering his whole butt crack!" and I say "Fine if you want to play dress up so bad then dress him up but don't put that on me" and she's like "Just because you're still in your underwear doesn't mean everyone has to be" and I am all "The neighbors haven't said anything yet!!" 
   Every stinkin' day!

Wyatt's mood: dazed
Listening to: Fun.

Monday, July 23, 2012

Are You Seriously Not Going To Pick Up That Bottle?!?!

This is an artistic expression of the sentiments in this house.

   What is it going to take?
   I don't think I can let you starve, but the only way you'll learn to hold your own bottle is if you have to. Necessity is the mother of invention is the phrase I just made and should always get credit for, and it directly applies here!

   So this happens.

   And we're kind of close, but no nourishment is entering any mouths anywhere. So I try this.

   Which just isn't sustainable. And once he's drunk enough formula to get past the nipple (hahahaha), he can't get to the rest. There's no tipping of the bottle! It all leads to this (watch up until the first minute, then do as you please):

   I would ask for your advice, but it's not like it matters, you'll give it to me anyways. Everybody has advice for every baby problem on the planet. Well we are doing just fine on our own, Michelle, and don't really need to know that if we held him upside-down by his ankles he'd pull the bottle to his mouth. Also we've tried.

My mood: perplexed
Wy's mood: legos!!
Listening to: The Killers

Sunday, July 22, 2012

Market Integration!!

Fashion tip: I've found that a yellow shirt really brings out the yellow in my teeth.
   Hey everybody! It's me, Grant! Your favorite baby blogger and daddy! I wanted to let you know that those of us here at mykidisspecial have just completed an exhaustive market research session. In the process, I have learned that my readership demographics have drastically changed in the last few months! What fun!
   For the first few days it was just me reading the ol' blog. Over and over and over again, by myself. Waiting for a pageview. Then my mom learned about it! Soon, I had aunts reading, and then other people's moms and aunts were reading, and even a few grandmas!! What fun! Now my wife even reads it! Well, guess what!? It turns out that prospective parents - specifically, fathers-to-be - have started to read as well! (Hi Jeff!) I figure, as a public service to all of you that might be having a little Wyatt joining you soon, I should pass along some great products that we've found really useful. What fun!
   So let's start with the basics. Dr. Brown's Bottles. I kid you not, they are fantastic for two main reasons: 1) They have this straw/airflow system that drastically reduces the need to burp your baby WHILE letting the baby suck milk or formula more quickly, but more importantly 2) they have 5 pieces that you put together/take apart every time you want to clean it. This is important because you start to time yourself, and then you pretend like you are assembling/dissassembling a weapon like cool people always do in action movies. Trust me, there's nothing manlier than watching Die Hard Collection - Blu-ray - Action & Adventure on your La-Z-Boy Outdoor Isabella Deep Seating Set - Paprika - 4 pc. - Deep while assembling your Dr. Brown's Natural Flow 3-Pk. 4-Oz. Bottles after having made a great meal on you Hybrid Grill Infrared, Gas and Charcoal Cooking

(why did that last product end in .com?)

   Seriously though, the bottle has been very good to us. We actually have six of them, though we gave one to Wyatt's grandma for when she babysits. There's no better feeling than having 5 clean, ready-to-awesomely-assemble bottles to satisfy your grumpy, hungry baby. If there's one complaint we have with the bottle, it's that YOUR BABY WILL NEVER, EVER HOLD THE BOTTLE ON ITS OWN. EVER.

Also, my hand and wrist are basically just one big stump, apparently.

My mood: ashamed and sell-outy
Wyatt's mood: dangerous and bellie-button-outy
Listening to: the breeze

Friday, July 20, 2012

My Wife Is The Best!!

This photo really has nothing to do with the following text.

   So it's 3:00. In the morning. My wife says to me "Go grab the baby." Her saying this wakes me up and, pretty much without thinking, I get up and start meandering to the baby's room. I didn't hear him cry or anything, but she usually is more sensitive to his crying at night. I've taken one step from the bed and she says something like "look out for the cleaner."
   Look out for the cleaner? I guess that makes sense. We'd rented a carpet cleaner that day and it was still in the house. Maybe there was something in the way? I don't know. Still, it's weird that Wyatt would need me so early in the morning, he'd been sleeping through the night lately. Something wasn't right.
   You know how, when you've just woken up and are all groggy, you can think like a million half-thoughts between each step? You have thoughts about your bearings and surroundings all while trying to decipher if the dreams you had were dreams or not? I was right there. Something wasn't right, but I wasn't yet awake enough to figure out what it was.
   Then she says, still laying in bed, "Make sure he gets through customs."


   Make sure he gets through customs?


   What? Ohgoshdangit she's asleep.


   I promptly turned around and crawled back in bed, chuckling to myself while annoyed. I was starting to wake up and figured Cara must be dreaming she's on the run. Probably with Travis - you know, the one that got away. She and Travis and the baby were making their escape, looking out for the cleaning lady while trying to slip by customs. "Go grab the baby. Watch out for the cleaner. Make sure he gets through customs." It all makes sense. It all makes me sick.

   Sleep talking is one of Cara's more endearing traits. She did it quite often in our first couple years of marriage. Whenever she said something entertaining I would promptly go to the computer and write down whatever she said, so that I'd remember it the next morning. Then I'd usually email them to her old roommate, who also has great stories of Cara sleep talking. I have five recorded stories, but I don't want to write them all down right here, so I'll just share one encounter I had with sleeping Cara. Her words are regular, mine are in italics:

Wednesday, July 18, 2012

We're Almost There!!

   There are three main things you should note in the videos that follow:

   1) Holy crap that's one happy baby
   2) Is he taking steps?! Isn't he only nine months old?! Wow, what superiour athlete genes his father must have!
   3) Does dad still talk to him like a dog!? Am I going to hear the word "c'mere!" more than three dozen times? I don't know if I can handle that. 

   Seriously, though, why is he so happy? Is there a big pile of sugar off camera or something? Let's see what happens on the next try!!

   Yeah, I know he didn't actually take any steps there, but still, that was pretty darn cute (or "pdc" as the kids are saying, I am sure). I figured he was getting tired, so we tried it again the next morning!

   He actually took two steps, alternating left-than-right, but I wasn't able to get that one on video. But we're sure getting close! Then he'll be jumping. Then he'll be dunking. Just like his athletically-gifted dad. Can't wait.

My mood: reminiscing on the glory days of old
Wyatt's mood: happy happy!
Listening to: Red Hot Chili Peppers

Friday, July 13, 2012

Embarassing Moments!!

   Wow. I try my best. I really do. Feeding and changing and clothing and everything that goes with having a baby.

   So imagine my heartbreak when my dad, Wyatt's grandpa, films me as I feed Wyatt. "That's fun!" I innocently thought, "just getting some footage of dad feeding baby while he chomps down on some nutritious "Chicken Dinner" from a jar. My dad even has a slight grin on his face throughout the filming, as I talk to Wyatt and get the job done. Boy was I wrong.
   Only later, as the whole entire family is laughing at me do I realize his ulterior motives.

   My dad: You do something that you don't know you do. Watch:

   Did you catch it? Of course you did, you're a jerk just like everybody else. So I guess I open and close my own mouth with Wyatt's while feeding him. How hilarious! Let's bring that up every family reunion, why not!?
   It wouldn't be so funny if I was facing Wyatt while feeding him, like I usually am. It makes perfect sense that I'd try to mime the motions he should take! But no, let's ignore the logic and continue to mock me as I care for a life.

   Then he showed me the longer one.

   Thanks guys! You're the best!!

   My mood: humiliated
   Grandpa's mood: triumphant
   Wyatt's mood: happy happy fun time!
   Listening to: hammock mix

Tuesday, July 10, 2012


   Wyatt is very advanced for his age. There's pretty much nothing your baby can do that mine can't. More than just motor skills, however, he is smart. I mean, really, really smart.
   The best evidence of this is the simple fact that he refuses to hold his own bottle. He can do it. I have a picture of him doing it when he's like 2 months old. Sure, in that picture I pretty much propped the bottle in his slowly-moving-at-the-time hands, but still. So, why won't he do it now? No, it's not because he can't (remember: he can do everything and more that your kid can so just drop it), it's because he's smart.

   Think about it. If you had the world convinced that you couldn't clean toilets, would you ever give up the ruse?! No! Because you don't want to clean toilets! Wyatt would rather lay there all relaxed, like he's the king, and be served food straight to his mouth. Sometimes he turns his head to the side just a little, as if to say "I'd rather drink milk at this angle," or "let's just make sure you are paying attention." It's as if he knows as soon as he pulls that nipple to his mouth, his survival is now much more in his hands.
   The kid is smart. I can't stress enough: he's smarter than your kid, no matter how old he or she is. I know that he can hold things towards his face. Here he is holding a sippy cup to his lips. He doesn't really get any juice out of it (he doesn't get the bottom of the cup elevated), but we know that these motor skills are in fine working order.

   Well guess what kid. I'm pretty smart too. Way smarter than all of my friends' kids. I've taken some steps of my own:

   That's right, I rigged a home feeding system that has an 87% chance of not choking your baby.

   It's not perfect, but few prototypes are. It kind of hangs and swings a bit too much, so sometimes it falls out of his mouth. And if he isn't actively drinking from it, it'll drip all over him. And sometimes it loses its tilt and doesn't really offer much milk. But what do I care?! I've fed the baby and that's my job. I'll do a home installation for $200 not including materials or gas.

My mood: accomplished
Wyatt's mood: lethargic
Listening to: Call Me Maybe on repeat

Monday, July 9, 2012

It Must Be Monday!!

   I don't care how your day started, mine was worse. The following story is 100% true and 0% exaggerated:

   I wake up at around 7:15am to the baby crying. This isn't terribly early, and he slept through the night, so I was prepared for him to be hungry and have a full, wet diaper. Every morning is a judgement call on which problem to attack first: the food or the urine. Today I went with the food and made a bottle.
   While feeding him, he pees. Lots. It leaks out of his diaper and pretty much soaks the right half of my shorts. No big deal (in fact, it's nice and warm!). So I take him to his room to change him. Promptly after I remove his bulging wet diaper, he starts to pee again, getting my arm a bit but - more importantly - getting his face. Some actually goes in his mouth. He coughs and screams, just like you would.
   He's freaking out (and again, I understand), so I pick him up, clean off his face, and try the ol' let's-put-on-your-diaper-while-I-hold-you trick that never, ever works. Eventually, with mom's help, we get the diaper on him and calm him down. She takes him, I remove my soaked shorts and take a quick shower.
   Post shower, I grab him so mom can get ready for work. I'm holding him with his back against my bare chest. I go to set him down, when I realize there's some poo on his back. He'd poo'd right up the back of his diaper, as babies are so fond of doing. While I was holding him! The thought crosses my mind to check my own chest, and it is poo'd upon as well. I put him in the dry bathtub, change his diaper, and give us both a bath.

Look at how modest he is, covering his little turtle with that little turtle!!

(caption continued): Hey! Stop looking so close to see that it's actually a turtle!

   In a span of about twenty minutes I was peed on twice, pooped on once, forced to change two diapers, and had to take a shower and share a bath. Only twelve hours to go until the wife's home from work!! Who knows what other misadventures we might have together!!

   Wyatt's mood: he promptly fell down for a nap. All those bodily functions are exhausting!
   My mood: surprisingly clean and refreshed.
   Listening to: Outkast (so fresh and so clean clean, get it!?)

The 4th of July!!

   Wyatt is just flying through all of his first holidays!! He even got a leap year on his first try!! The Fourth of July was just a few days ago, and boy did he look the part!! It's tough not to well up with patriotic pride when our back-fence neighbor has been flying the ol' stars and stripes with such reckless abandon.

   Our neighbor ("Walt" I think was his name -- nice guy) actually moved his flag pole from behind a tree that had overgrown it, then sent up these colors, which, by the way, don't run. The flag has been blowing in the breeze and alerting planes of the windspeed for about a month now.

   But Wy looked like a little flag himself!

The hat says "Back To Back World War Champs." It is his uncle's.

   Oversize collared shirts just never go out of style, do they little baby!? I know you're wondering "But Grant, what on earth did you wear for the festive occasion?" I actually have no idea anymore, as it was like 5 days ago now, but I think it was red athletic shorts and a white shirt, backed by a blue sky. Red white and blue!!
   The next day, we kept that plaid-short-train rolling, I threw on a better-fitting polo shirt, and his favorite fishing hat, and I got a few pictures of him standing!!

   Well, really, it's more like he is standing and longing for that which he cannot have. Electricity. And ohmygoshwhatisupwithhishand!?

   Wy's mood: proud
   My mood: proud
   Listening to: That song about putting the boot in the terrorists' ass cause it's the American way.

Monday, July 2, 2012

Guess What Wyatt Can Do!?

You'll never guess, so I'll just show you:

   No, I mean, here it is:

   Dang it Wyatt, you do it all the time! You're like that singing frog from Looney Tunes (which makes me the fat guy with facial hair!). One more:

    He can stand!! He only does it for a few seconds at a time, and isn't trying steps yet, but he's not too far from walking, then running, then winning the world series!! All because of me! I bet he's standing up on his own faster than ANY BABY EVER, and I don't want to hear you say "my nephew was walking when he was just seven months old" because no one believes you, Carol!!

   If you read my previous blog post, you'll note that very rarely is he wearing clothes. Also, as soon as he puts on his shirt (okay, fine, I put on his shirt), he can stand. You might think there is some significance to this. There is not.

My mood: excited for my baby who is the best and probably because of what a great dad I am and what great genes I gave him!
Wyatt's mood: just wants to play!
Listening to: definitely not Adele right now, because that would be like four straight hours of Adele and what self-respecting man does that?!