Friday, May 31, 2013

Wanted: Brother Husband

   I've had the best idea!! This is totally my second best idea ever, trailing only a reality show about people who live in a Costco, and WAY better than my idea to make a shirt with zip-off sleeves. Brother Husbands, people. Brother Husbands.

   Here's how it works. Have you seen the show Sister Wives? Neither have I. But I know how it works. There's a bunch of sisters and they all decide to marry the same guy. I think they have some sort of a competition where they vote people off and the winning dude is given the Bonnet of Wives or something. Then this guy has like 5 wives and three houses and holy crap it sounds awful. Then they go to jail? Is that part of the deal? Like I said, I haven't seen the show. I don't know why anyone would do this though. It's like "Hey I want to get nagged more and then thrown in prison!" Amiright?

Is... is he pregnant? Do the males give birth in this scenario? Like seahorses?
   But!! Let's take this idea and spin it around, put it on its head and kick it in the teeth. Brother Husbands.

   Here's the deal: Cara and I (and even Wyatt at this point) agree that Cara is just too high maintenance. I, as one man, can't take care of her, make her happy, take care of the boy, clean and maintain the house, go to work, and keep chasing my dream of being a Pokemon Card Champion. I want to be the very best, like no one ever was. It's just too much! We need a brother husband.

This guy is not Brother Husband material.
   This doesn't have to be my brother. I cannot stress this point enough. This is one of the big differences between Sister Wives and Brother Husbands. In our case, the brother husband will have the following responsibilities: Work and make money, clean the house, maintain the house, take care of the cars, pay the bills, check and sort the mail, and NOTHING ELSE. I cannot stress that last point enough. I, as the head of the Brother Husband household, will be in charge of eating, vacations, leisure, making Cara happy, playing with Wyatt, and naps. Oh, the brother husband might also be Vice-President of Diapers.

   So! Applications for brother husbands are now being accepted. We are looking for someone a) rich, b) quiet, c) handy, d) ugly.

My mood: Proud of my idea and wondering if anyone has a holographic Charizard
Wyatt's mood: excited for another daddy!
Listening to: Dave Matthews

Wednesday, May 29, 2013

The Truth Comes Out!!

"Well, I'm tired, but I'm sick of laying down."

   It's about 1:30 am. I am crawling in bed. Cara is asleep. She's a bit of a sleep-talker, though she hasn't said much in a long time. When we first got married she would have the most interesting conversations. I'll share one later, but, let me set the scene for this recent sleep-talking adventure first: It's about 1:30 am, I am crawling in bed and Cara is asleep.

Cara: Who are you?
Me: It's Grant.
Me: Wait, why do you have to ask?
Cara: Just making sure. I always do.
Me: No you don't.
Cara: Shh.

   I did not sleep well that night. I've always suspected. But now, well, now I am sure. She wishes she'd married someone else. It's gotten to the point she's dreaming about someone else. It's the only explanation. I've blogged about her sleep-talking before, and it's been going on for a long time. Like this one, years ago, when she had another sleep confession.

September 23, 2007:

Cara: Hey I need you to come here. I need you to start the program
Me: Huh?
I need the program, and you need to start it
What program?
The saw program?
The what program?
I counted the pills and gave them to the lady
Oh. How many pills were there?
And who did you give them to?
Some guy
Who was he?
Who’s tha—
Bill takes the clothes
Oh yeah?
So who is your favorite?
You are
Who is your second favorite?
You are
Who is your tenth favorite?
And who is he?
He doesn’t live here
Where does he live?
Aahhh- Willamette

   Bill!! Is that who Cara was expecting to crawl into bed?! I've always suspected that. I'm just surprised she hasn't talked about Travis yet. Travis. I hate that guy and his lack of chest hair.

   Whoa!! I just realized something. That little sleep conversation above took place on September 23, 2007. (I know the date because whenever Cara says something worth remembering, I wake up, run to the computer and email the transcript to her old roommate, who has some fun Cara-sleeptalking stories of her own). September 23rd is Wyatt's birthday! If instead of Wyatt we'd named him Bill, he could take the clothes and live in Willamette and Cara could be some sort of prophet. I mean, prophetess. A lady prophet. Like a lioness but for the future.

My mood: groggy and confused
Cara's mood: ashamed she's been found out!
Wyatt's mood: oblivious to his parents turmoil
Listening to: Mariah Carey Christmas

Sunday, May 19, 2013

Mother's Day 2013

   Wahoo!! Mothers are the best!! I think we can all agree that mothers are in fact the best. My baby Wyatt has a mom, her name is Cara and we spend all day telling her she's the best, even if it isn't Mother's Day (which, despite Cara's insistence, it turns out most days are not Mother's Day).

   So, I got Cara what any mother would want: Power Tools.

I guess I can't really call this "Power Tools" plural, when it's really Power Tool singular.

   That's right. It's the Ryobi 4-cycle gas engine string trimmer. It's even better than the Binford Gas Powered String Trimmer 2000 that was recently featured on Tool Time. The reason you can give your wife a power tool for Mother's Day is it's like saying "Here honey, I will do lots of yard work for a long time." Trust me, she'd like nothing better than for me to get her the attachment to my drill that lets me put recessed lighting in our ceiling. Well, that's not really true. She'd prefer it if I just paid someone to put lights in our living room and family room. And, over that she'd prefer a cruise somewhere. Let's not dwell on these things though because dad she got a gas powered weed whacker!
   Now I am ready to whack it up like crazy out in the yard.

Sunday, May 12, 2013

Dancing Kiddo!!

   Wyatt actually loves to dance. He gets from his daddy, who is widely regarded as one of the best closet-dances ever. If no one is around, I am able to bust some moves that I am pretty sure would make great youtube fodder. But, this isn't about me (though maybe it should be), it's about Wyatt, Ke$ha-with-a-dollar-sign, and Wreck It Ralph. Watch.

   Since pretty much every dance/rap song ever involves having hands in the air and/or expressing a lack of care, it is fitting that hands in the air is Wy's go-to dance move. In that video above, I edited about two minutes of him just watching the TV with his hands in the air, occasionally waving them around. It's pretty funny. Here's more.

   See! The hands in the air!! Did you see it!! For what it's worth, I think Wyatt's dancing is better than the stuff in the music videos to these songs. The Postal Service Owl City sings "When Can We Do This Again," and it features some of the creepiest faces, lean-ins and crooked smiles I can imagine in one place, from one person. It's like you watch it and think "Oh wow so you're like 40 and are unable to stop staring at that camera." Here, watch.

   Wasn't that simultaneously cute and creepy?? I can see the director of the video being like "Hey, Owl? Can we try another move? No? We can't. You just have the "lean one shoulder, stare and half smile?" Ok. Great stuff. Let's do that seven times in three minutes." Remember, I know about dancing because of my title as World's Greatest Closet Dancer Probably.

Let's do one more video, this time with a bit more wholesome music in the background.

   I don't know why I love Ke$ha so much. I can't get enough of her. She really does make the hipsters fall in love. Sometimes I am walking down the street and suddenly I think "oh what a shame that you came here with some-ooooonne" and then I think "why on earth is this song ALWAYS in my head, even if I haven't heard it for two  months!?" It's annoying, and I feel like there's some sort of government mind control going on.

   So, there you go. My son loves to dance, but it's really just marching around the room with his hands straight up. He does it all the time, whenever any sort of music is playing, and it makes my life much better.

My mood: tired from dancing
Wyatt's mood: tired from dancing
Listening to: Kesha...

Thursday, May 9, 2013

Terrifying Video!!

He really wants those chips. Will he get them! Read on to find out!

Wyatt got the chips! Watch what happens, I am quite sure it is the worst thing ever. So far.

   First of all, let me explain. That music. It was part of the ending credits to Wreck-it-Ralph.  That Japanesey music isn't normally playing in our house. If I am going to listen to Japanese music, it is going to be soundtracks to video games. Also, I thought Gwen Stefani was singing that song for the longest time, because she strikes me as an artist that would do that sort of thing, but no.
   But, getting back to the point here, did you see that?! He was able to roll a chair into position under the counter, climb on the chair, and climb on the counter. He can now, reasonably, get on to our kitchen counter at will. That's the worst thing ever, so far. Yes, he's a year-and-a-half. Yes, we keep knives up there. Yes, sometimes I'll work with raw meat and eggs and leave them lying around. Yes, I know you aren't actually asking any of these questions.
   Also, yes, I know I could just move the chair somewhere safer, and I have. But I think we can all agree at this point that when Wyatt does finally fall hard and hit his head, we'll only have Cara to blame because she's working so much! It's like, be home watching your kid! It's not fair to him that his mom is gone working all the time and his dad is gone hammocking all afternoon! Pull it together!

(True story: while writing this he climbed on our air-conditioner. And he isn't wearing a shoe (don't know how that happened) The air conditioner isn't running or anything but HOLY CRAP!)

 My mood: nervous and frustrated, but proud
Wyatt's mood: mostly just happy to have chips
Listening to: Owl City's Wreck-It-Ralph Song

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Playing In The Sink!!

Look at him! He looks like a little man! A little man with.. a... lazy eye? Should I get that looked at?

   The four sinks in our house represent Wyatt's four favorite places in our house. He could spend hours flicking water, dumping and pouring water from one cup to another pot, splashing and dripping. And when I say "He could spend hours" what I really mean is "He spends hours."

   Why do I let him do this? Well, there are lots of reasons. The main reason is obviously "Because it's best for him," I am sure, for some reason. Don't ask me to justify that statement.
   But other reasons include "Why not?" and "It lets me nap on the floor" and "He's not doing any harm!" Now you could respond to each of those reasons in order by saying "It wastes water and costs money," "Wait, what?!" and "Yes he is! Your counters are water logged," and you'd probably be right. But let's look at some other pros:

Friday, May 3, 2013

Seriously Embarrassing Video!!

This picture really captures the theme of this post, as you will see...

   Okay, let's get this over with. We have a video of Wyatt being super happy and laughing and at his best, but unfortunately it involves me looking like complete garbage. I mean, really, I haven't even watched this video myself I find it so painful. Still, I am  So, I'm begging you, I once was tan and fit and even had some muscles of some sort. Please remember that I once looked like this:

Me after a good tan, a couple years ago.

   I need you to remember this because in the upcoming video, I am shirtless, ab-less, definition-less, and posture-less. There once was a time in my life where I could sit with poor posture and not have my stomach bubble up onto itself. There once was a time in my life when not wearing a shirt was not confined only to the safety of my own house. There once was a time I had only one chin.

   Really, I feel the need to write all this just so the image of the video is way down the page, so you have to scroll if you want to see it and can't say I didn't warn you. Here, let's waste some more real estate first:

   Okay!! Blurry photo!! I don't think I can waste any more time. If you want to see this killer video, um... it's after the break... But don't feel like you have to! I kind of hope this post gets like no hits whatsoever!