Saturday, July 23, 2016

Fixer Upper Love!!

   I'm sure you remember that I've put my kids on a screenless summer. This was prompted when Wyatt walked up to me and said "Hey dad, did you know that Nationwide is on your side?" He then sang the jingle four times during breakfast. I don't let the kids watch or play anything on a screen, unless I am tired or annoyed with them or they ask me or Cara is home. She lets those kids watch screens all day, mostly so she can watch "Spy Brothers," which is what Wyatt calls "Psych."

   One of the things that Wyatt has picked up from Cara, apart from a general disdain for laundry, is a love of Chip and Joanna Gaines and their little show: Fixer Upper.

Link is preparing for our eventual trip to Texas, where we meet Chip and Joanna Gaines

   We went to bed one night, and Wyatt says "Hey gad. We should turn half of the garage into a library, and move some things to make more space in the halls." It was really great advice, actually. Cara and I could use more library space since we read so many books on our kindles (these don't count as screens), and the hall has been tougher to walk through ever since I put on weight. Wy is curious about every wall. "Is that a load bearing wall? We can just knock that out and create some great space and add some light in there," he says to any store worker he can find. He usually follows this by asking "Hey gad what's load bearing mean?"

   He wants to go and meet them ALL the TIME. He is always asking "Are we in tex-ess now?" He even wants to change his name to Wyatt ChipandJoannaGaines Conrad, which, yeah. I'm on it. He really wants to play with their kids, because he views their kids as potential friends. There's nothing he likes more than friends. Except for maybe Chip. Wyatt always says "Dad you're funny like Chip," which surprises me because I wouldn't think Wy would understand Chip's subtle, nuanced humor. He's so used to my jokes, which usually involve a finger being pulled.


   Here's the thing about Chipstopher Thomas Gaines, which is his full name I think: Dads identify with him. Us dads all see ourselves as funny, passably handsome, able to charm our wives with boyish antics, and from Waco, Texas (pronounced: Wacko. Most people get this wrong.) I personally identify more with Paul Rudd, however. Sometimes I watch that guy and think "That could've been me." Other times I watch him and think "You look just like that guy from Ant Man."

   It's sure cute the way Wyatt fixates on them. Everyone knows that people can't just become friends with TV stars. Even wanting to become friends and trying to make it happen is silly, because it just can't. It doesn't matter HOW perfectly your families would get along - which we totally would - it's just a silly dream that has way too many logistical hurdles to overcome. Like, where would we stay when we went out to visit our friends the Gaines's? Certainly not with them, because that would be weird OF THEM to have some internet strangers whose kid and also mom adore them stay at their house before they met (not weird of us), but I guess that wouldn't actually be a problem because my best friend from childhood just moved to Wacko while his little sister plays soccer at Baylor (Wow, that came together nicely)

This was taken shortly after we said "Hey Wyatt, pretend like you are saying hi to an acquaintance that you don't really like, but have to spend a lot of time with." We were surprised he knew what "acquaintance" meant.

   And, like, what would we do when we got together? At first it'd be awkward hanging out with famous people, but I'd reassure Joanna that most of my page views are from some bots that I set up and my daunting 80 hits per post isn't genuine, so I think she'd relax. (Could this really work?) Then I supposed I'd have to turn my charm up to 11, but it's been done before. Finally, Wyatt would pull some antics, like my personal favorite: He walks up to his baby brother who can't talk and asks him a question. Link responds with some sort of grunt. Wyatt gets in his face and says "Lincoln are you lying to me?!" It's gold. Jo will love it.

   And we wouldn't need to be on the show or anything, because who wants a handsome, funny sidekick mucking things up on a reality show, amirite? No, we'd probably just chat and laugh and enjoy each other's company while our kids play and Chip and I leg wrestle. Then when they come out to Oregon to visit us, we'd patiently tell Joanna "My sister is an interior designer who has done the same church 4 times so we don't need your accent wall even though that's a pretty good idea" while showing them the fireplace insert that we did or how handy my son was at the age of 15 months. J-Anne will love it. (This is perfect! I'll check the calendar).

Cara chalked the word "Love" herself. She did it on her birthday, what was a little uncomfortable for those of us that had to watch her work on it during the party.
   (Did you note how I added a drawer to the fireplace mantle? I call it an open-faced drawer, where I stack Wyatt's clothes on it as I am doing the laundry, and then don't actually take it to his room ever. It got to the point where I would be dressing Wyatt in his room, and we'd go out to the fireplace to find a shirt. You're welcome, Mrs. Gaines.)

   Ok, fine, Chip, you drive a hard bargain. We'll come deliver the one paper airplane my son had me make to your 9 kids or however many you have, so they can take turns flying it. We'll hang out and become best friends and you'll come to Eugene to watch Duck Football games with me. On TV, I mean, not at the stadium. That's not free. Actually, we'll probably on my iPad because we don't get cable (Which reminds me: Can you fill me in on what's happened lately on the show? Netflix doesn't go beyond season 2). Like, you can have the game on your iPad and I'll watch it on mine. The wives can go and do wifey things, but mine usually works Saturdays so I'll try to find an iPad for JoJo. Don't bring the kids because I seriously don't have enough iPads for everyone. Looking forward to our future friendship.

Wyatt's mood: excited to go to Texas and make friends, which I've promised him is bound to happen so don't let him down.
Link's mood: wants to get on the counter. Always. It's all he wants.
My mood: excited to make friends and possibly get discovered but it's not like that's my goal or anything
Cara's mood: avoiding laundry and trying to track down more iPads
Listening to: Green Day