Today, I Spell "Redemption" T-R-U-C-K

Look at the little guy, just hanging out, chillin, in the back of a truck. Like he was meant to be there all along.

   You remember the manlyvan, right? It was the nadir of my existence. When I from being a cool, independent, strong you man who could easily be believed to own a motorcycle, and turned into a guy with a car that his high school students point and laugh at. No, that actually happened once.

   Never again!! No more!! For I, Grant, have a truck.

Look! Hauling garbage cans AND strollers, just like any manly dad would. Which I am. Obvs.

   What kind of truck, you ask? Gosh, I don't know, I don't know stuff about trucks or cars or machines. It's a Chevy 1990-something 1500? Quad Cab? 12 Liters? Those are all things, right? The point is, look at that bed. As you can see, it's already being used to haul garbage, strollers, yard debris, probably some bear meat too... It would have gone hunting with me if I hadn't gotten incredibly, absurdly sick. Like, go-see-the-doctor, temperature-of-104.8 KDUK, nurse-literally-yells-"Holy crap!!"-when-she-sees-the-thermometer sick. I've taken three - three! - trips to the dump since getting this slab of iron on wheels. You can tell that I am a man who was in need of a truck.

   You might recall that I've taken the manlyvan to the dump. And was summarily judged by everyone there. Not this time!! Well, I was judged, but not for having a minivan. I was judged because A) my truck squeaks incessently (I think it has mice... that only squeak when the engine is running because they are all scared), and B) I only had $6 cash on me, and the dump costs $7, so I was the guy in the squeaky truck with a kid in the passenger seat trying to bum $1 off other people in line. This is still better than being judged for driving a minivan.

   Here's the most important part. Wyatt, also a man, loves trucks. Every time he sees it he says his word for "truck" which I cannot type here for fear of getting fired. When he's in the truck, driving, he's super happy. When he's in the back of the truck, playing, he's beyond super happy. Why did we ever get the manlyvan in the first place?

So much space!!

He sure loves that little flower pinwheel thing.

Remember when the sun was out? This was taken just a couple weeks ago...

   I, Grant, MAN, have a rusty beat up old pickup truck. The battery is about dead on it. It squeaks when it drives. The dome lights don't turn on. The back, driver's side window can't latch. It barely fits in my garage (we're talking about 4 inches of space). Much like Zoolander, it cannot turn left. One of those previous things is not true. I could not be happier.

   Yes I could. The Ducks could've beaten Stanford.

   My mood: proud to be king of the nerds

   Wy's mood: loves the adventures in the truck!!

   Listening to: that "Like a rock!!" song. You know the one.

Yellowstone!!

   Did you know that we went to yellowstone?! You didn't!? Well let me tell you all about it!!

   When I say "let me tell you about it" what I mean is "here are some pictures and let's get out of here." I'm not going to share the park's wondrous history or any facts about wolves (of which I have many. I freaking love wolves. I hope to own one someday. I know no one can "own" a wolf because a) not for sale, and b) they are too dang proud and majestic, I just mean that I hope we mutually respect one another and can go on walks and watch Phineas and Ferb together.)
   No, I'll just show you our pictures and move on. I mean, there's some trees and some animals and some hot water and it smells like eggs, but you aren't coming here for a review of wildlife and ecosystems. You're coming here because you are one of my students and my students get extra credit for writing essays about my blog. Let's go!!

   We'll start with Wyatt's favorite place: The ... uh ... the hotel pool we stayed at on the drive ...

   He had lots of fun blowing bubbles, riding that floaty board like a surfboard, and splashing around. We won't show any videos, because daddy's belly is a bit too big.

   Now on to the good stuff!!

Yes yes yes we all know she's too pretty for me. Let's just move on.

You can thank Cara for all of these great photos. They look like they belong on the cover of a pamphlet. With the title "Mother's Milk Is Best Milk" or something.

   Pro tip: When you see your first buffalo - a mile away, all by itself, walking in a field - don't stop and take pictures of it. Don't get out your binoculars. Don't wonder if it'll come closer. You are going to see trillions of these things. There will be a herd that hangs out next to your car and blocks the street for 45 minutes. You're just going to look like an idiot and a rookie when you stop for a plain old buffalo by itself.
   On our first day we stared at one for like 15 minutes. By the 4th day we didn't even slow down unless they were running, and we mocked everyone who pulled over for anything less than a wolf.

The obligatory Old Faithful geyser picture

   We didn't see any wolves, moosen, or bighorn. Wolves are my favorite animal and I love them so that was sad for me. Have I told you about my love for wolves?! Yellowstone is great for seeing wild life and for smelling like eggs. It's one of the most unique geographical features in the world, and you can explore it all by car!! Perfect!!

My mood: feeling adventurous
Wyatt's mood: feeling entitled
Listening to: Sam Cooke

Camping At The Beach!!

   I'm on a never ending quest to make you think my life is exciting and glamorous. I've talked about spending a month in Montana, 4th of July at a lake house with terrifying kids, and a full day's worth of adventure. In fact, I haven't updated my blog in like a week to make you think "Wow he sure must be busy!! No time for blogging!"

   Now I'm going to share just the good parts and none of the bad parts about our camping trip to the beach!! I'm even going to call it "the beach" even though every Oregonian ever calls it "the coast" because "the beach" makes it sound like it is actually warm and fun and it never is.

   But we had a great time!! Wyatt absolutely adores sand and water. They are honestly his two favorite things besides his dad, the garbage-man, and ruining everything all the time. So while mom napped under a towel (nope! not kidding about that!), dad and Wyatt frolicked, laughed, splashed and dug. Look!!

Feeding dad sand

Feeding mom sand

A bucket of just-eaten sand

Sand!

   Once we'd had our fill of the beach (and we were there for hours), we decided to go make camp. Camping at a legitimate campsite is something pretty new to me. We rarely, if ever, did it when I was young. It was always out in the wilderness after a 92-hour drive, or a 92-hour hike. So, things like a picnic table, toilet, running water and fire pit with wood seem a little weak sauce to me. At least, they did. Now I'm all for the ease of car camping and the wimpyness that comes with being at a campground with like 400 other people and a park.

I chose to pack by literally throwing everything in the back of the manlyvan. Like, no suitcases or boxes or bags, just a bunch of stuff.

   Again, Wyatt just ran and played and refused to sleep.

   Cara, on the other hand, was all decked out in her 80's-action-film-extra, army-surplus, future-modeling-career outfit.

She's resting before the big tournament. And also a manlyvan features heavily in the plot.

   She had a training montage and a nemesis and everything!! We have some worse pictures of her than the one above, but I'd like to stay married so I am keeping them to myself. And some of my closest friends who have gmail accounts. And also I'll probably put them online in a few months anyways.

   Wyatt loves to camp. He likes exploring and being dirty and having other people tell him how adorable he is, which happens all the time. Like, seriously, too much. Back off people. The campground had a huge, fun playground, and he keeps on getting braver and braver, which simultaneously makes me more and more nervous. Watch where he ended up:

   Wow!! What a great video!! Of the whole 43 seconds, I bet you only felt like 41 of them were a complete waste of your time. But little Wyatt is just so special that you needed to see that.
   The best thing about camping, however, is how well he sleeps. He sleeps really well in tents, and on the ground. He also sleeps well on the couch, the carpet, on a single pillow, in his carseat or stroller, and after being heavily medicated. I don't even know why we put him in his bed anymore.

   That's all!! I'm off on another great adventure today and definitely not reorganizing the kitchen!!

My mood: organizey
Wy's mood: contented
Cara's mood: montagey
Listening to: Kings of Leon

First Real Mistake!!

He was happy here. Before the mistake. 

   I've never really messed up with Wyatt. I didn't announce this fact to anyone, because if you claim perfection, the first time to you let your kid run into the street or put spoiled milk in his bottle or let him eat paint or something, people are all over you. So I've been biding my time, thinking to myself "wow it's been over 18 months and I've never bumped his head into a beam or dropped him from my shoulders or given him a black eye or anything!" Sure, there've been little things like letting him crawl off our bed when he was super young, or running his head into a corner VERY SLOWLY (it was more of a turn than a run), but nothing major.

   Well, the streak is over, so now I can talk about it. The streak ended in dramatic, humiliating fashion:

   I locked Wyatt in the car.

   Oh, and the keys too. The keys were also locked in the car.

He's screaming "Let me out!!" He can't even say those words but that's what he was saying. (Although, it wasn't exactly like this. He was in his carseat, he wasn't driving, and I wasn't calm enough to take a photo)

   I had just picked up Wyatt from my parent's house. I had gotten off work and was home, ready to clean the house do some dishes watch Castle. Usually I park the manlyvan in the driveway, run to the house and unlock it, go back and grab the Wy Guy. Well, the baby was especially fussy and clingy today, so I decided I'd grab him first. Now, every time I have gotten out of the car to get Wyatt up to this point, I haven't locked anything and I usually leave the driver's door open, so that no one can get locked in anywhere. I didn't do that this time, for some reason, and when I went to open his door it was locked. I checked my pockets and hands: no keys. I tried the other doors: locked. I looked in and saw the keys in the ignition.

   No keys. Locked house. Locked car. Baby in car.

   Oh dang it my phone is in my car too.

   I was not at all sure what to do. I spent the first few minutes just trying to entertain and calm Wyatt down. Little did I know he was already really calm. He just sat there and stared at me, clearly thinking "Mom is way better than you are at pretty much everything except for dancing and even that she's catching up in" and it made me sick. I realized I needed to get him out.
   I was able to get into our house, even though it was locked, through super secret methods that I will not tell you on the internet but it did involve some gymnastics and a little hacking probably too so you should be impressed! We don't have a landline in our house, but I do have Google Phone, so I looked up Triple-A, gave them a call to come get me out (luckily we are AAA members) and then ran back to the front to entertain Wyatt.

   He was asleep!! The little kid just conked right out. And he slept the whole time. The AAA hero showed up, unlocked the car through his hacking and gymnastics, and I got the baby safely inside where he was loved and protected and nurtured and we watched Castle.

   So, I guess this takes me out of the "dad of the year" conversation (and it's only April), but I'd rather be honest about my shortcomings one single shortcoming than be deceitful to win an award I probably deserve anyways.

   My mood: ashamed but relieved
   Wyatt's mood: judegemental
   Listening to: Maroon 5

Adventures of Another Man

   Hi. I'm Grant. I don't really do much to introduce myself to the dozens of new readers I get every year, so I'd like to take a chance to do that now. I write a blog about how great I am and how great my son is and how average my wife is. It contains lots of italics and CAPS to stress points. I am rarely serious about anything unless it involves a Nintendo. Here's a picture to really help you get to know us, a picture that might be more informative than one of my typical blog posts:

   If you've seen the "about me" page of my blog, you know that I am a man. You might also have thought "Why does Grant need an "about me" page of his blog when his entire blog is about him?" I once saved another man by pulling him out of a river. I've gotten so lost in the wilderness that I actually hiked off map. I've attacked a house fire with no regard for my own safety. I can eat whole pizzas. I once hit a squirrel with a rock.
   So, you're impressed. How could you not be?
   Lately? You want to know what awesome things I have done in the last two years? Hmm, why do you ask? I fixed a drawer on a desk another man built 20+ years ago. I took down the Christmas lights my wife set up. Um, I changed a flat tire on my minivan manlyvan. Let's see. Gosh, is that it? What happened to me? What happened to Grant: Man?

   My friend Tim, though, now that's a man.

Look at Tim's manly chin. And also that other man behind him. 

   He and I are very similar. We both went to the University of Oregon, have a house and a wife and other similar possessions, and both enjoy the outdoors. He even writes a highly successful blog just like mine!! Go check it out at adventuresofman.com, because if you don't you might not appreciate the rest of the jokes in this post.
   Tim blogs about the same stuff that I do. Where I write about diapers and nap time and strolls, he writes about hiking, climbing, saving lives as a member of search-and-rescue, his time in Iraq, and his dog.
   There it is. There's the difference. His dog. While Tim and I share so many things, my wife and I had a kid and Tim's wife and Tim had a dog. Those things are different, if you weren't sure.
   I'd like to share some of the things that Tim and his wife and his dog do. You might think that this is a violation of Tim's privacy, but don't worry, he posts about his dog on facebook at least seven times per day. Pictures of Tucker napping. Pictures of Tucker not napping. Pictures of Tucker tracking and training and in the morning and on the couch and playing with the cats (oh yeah, they have cats). I should probably mention that Tim's dog's name is "Tucker." These are three pictures from his timeline.

Yawn. Yes, Tucker, that's how we all feel right now.

I think Tucker is the primary beneficiary of Tim's will.

Tim was trying to teach Tucker to ride a tricycle here, but then snoopy got in the way. 

   How on earth is Tim's life so much more exciting than mine?! It revolves around a dog! Sure, he drives a cool big truck AND has a motorcycle, and maybe he and his wife go bmx biking and camping all the time. But Cara and I adventure too! Last week we grabbed a RedBox movie that we had never even heard of (we didn't watch it), and one time we randomly decided to prune our apple tree! How exciting! And who could forget that time I put a pacifier in my mouth THAT HAD A MUSTACHE ON IT!!

What crazy, mischievous fun we had that night!

   Is this what having a baby does? Am I boring now!? No! Well, yes, but, not because of the baby. I was always boring. Now I just have an excuse. "Sorry Tim, I can't summit Mt Hood with you because Wyatt might be fussy in August, so, um, have fun. Would if I could!" This is a way better excuse than "Sorry Tim, the new Pokemon comes out in August and I plan on catching them all!"
   Don't worry, everyone. In a few years Wyatt will be old enough to either come on my adventures, or sit at home by himself if I hide all of my video games. So, I can adventure again soon. But, I guess by then we'll have another kid. And soon we'll have a whole family that is in school and going to ninja practice and breaking things like furniture and societal barriers. I won't be free until they are like 12 and can babysit themselves. But by then I'll be my dad's age when he was my dad and then my life is basically over. Is it worth it? I hope so.

Wy's all like "yeah I know
they're sharp I don't care.

My mood: Wasting my time blogging about my lack of a life
Wyatt's mood: he found some nails to play with!
Listening to: nothing.

Now he's all "what there's nails
everywhere what are you going to do?" 

I KNOW I KNOW I'M SORRY!!

   Over a week!? What was I thinking!? Well, you can stop your angry emails and glares when I see you at the store. I usually write a few blog posts on the weekend, and whenever else I can find time, but last weekend I was hunting with other manly men who don't drive minivans (yes, I drove the only manlyvan I saw all weekend). And no, I am not going to post pictures of the trip here, because it really isn't all that cute and adorable, that's what you're here for. Your here for stuff like this:

I'll always think that horse has a creepy face

   Why do I mostly write blog posts on weekends? Because the rest of the week is me time. Well, more specifically, it's me-and-Mario time. But I think we're all missing the big picture here. Sure, you can be frustrated with me, but what is my wife doing all this time!? Why am I the one who's solely responsible to provide the world with the blessing of Wyatt?! Is it really so important for her to "meal plan" (whatever that is, I don't even think it's real.)? Or to make and freeze a few dinners? Or even to make a delicious homemade pasta sauce from our garden tomatoes?! Sure, those are all great things. But, can we really claim that they are more important than this blog?! I don't think we can.

   Anyways, here's a fun video of Cara and Wyatt spinning on a chair to placate you.

   What fun!! I love spinning in chairs. I used to take my chair from my room into the back yard and spin it for minutes. I love being dizzy. It's important we bring the conversation back to me whenever possible.

My mood: "busy"
Wy's mood: dizzy
Listening to: Carole King

Garage Sales and Strolls!!

   I've talked about how many walks Wyatt and I take, and some of the adventures that come from them. Here's a couple quick stories from just recently.

STORY NUMBER ONE!!!

   Lately I've been taking Wyatt on runs instead of walks!! With him in his jogging stroller, I can go almost 1200 feet without needing to catch my breath! I know because after every run I go home and google map it. Last weekend, in the midst of a crazy heat wave (it got over 90!!), we decided to go for a run in the morning. I figured it would already be hot out, so I wasn't wearing a shirt.

   I'd like you to take just a moment to picture me, a baby, a jogging stroller, and no shirt.

   As you can imagine, I get a lot of stares. I don't know why people look so intently, but I assume it's jealousy over my rocking ab. We round a corner and see a big garage sale! It's like ten in the morning, so I can't resist, maybe some good stuff is there? If you're new to this blog and are wondering who I am, I am the creepy guy at garage sales with a baby and no shirt, who looks like he ran to the sale. 

   I did not buy anything.

/end of story number one

STORY NUMBER TWO!!!

   Cara, Wyatt and I were looking for a freezer for our garage. We'd been craigslisting for most of the day, and chased down a couple leads at garage sales. I am driving by a garage sale very slowly in our minivan, and a kid - probably seven years old - flags me down and stops me. He's just hanging out in his drive way, a few houses down from the last sale. He has a look of urgency in his eyes and gestures, so I stop. His dad is doing yardwork.

   Me: Yeah, what can I do for you?

   Kid: Would you like to buy a baseball?

           Oh, no, I don't think so, but good luck.

           What if I told you it was autrographed?

           Oh, well, who autrographed it?

           I did.

           Oh, *laughs* well, I still think we're going to pass, but good luck.

    At this point his dad called his name in a way that made it seem like this was a common thing. That he was just one of those precocious smooth-operator types. I felt like it was a scene from a sitcom. You know, that episode of Full House where Stephanie is trying to sell her toys to the creepy guy in the van without a shirt on? Just like that. Then Michelle wants in and she sells Mr. Bear and Comet probably walks by at an inopportune time or something. As I drove off the kid even said "How rude."

/end of story number two

   Now I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "I'd love to see a picture of this guy without a shirt on, because he sure talks about it a lot. And I hear he has rockin' ab." I won't do it! I'm still super self-conscious about my body ever since the baby came. Sure, I've lost most of the baby weight and all, but it's just different. I'm not the young heartbreaker that I once was, and that saddens me. It saddens us all.

   So now you're thinking "Well fine, can I see any pictures at all? If I wanted to go to a blog with no pictures I'd... um... well I'd do that." Good one! Yes, here is a picture:

Who on earth put on his diaper and onesie? This cannot be comfortable. Since we'll never know for sure who it was we have no choice but to assume it was Cara. For shame.

   My mood: excited!!
   Wyatt's mood: pensive
   Listening to: Mariah Carey.

The Coast!!

   What's the first thing you do when you get a new minivan? Take it to the beach!! If you said "get insurance" you're right and I'll get right on that, but we threw caution to the wind and decided to head west to end of the continent. So we loaded up the new car, and boy did it have space!

Baby's first trip in the van! This is interesting, okay!!

   We had room for baby, mommy, daddy, auntie, uncle and all of the food and gear we could possibly need!! Minivans are the best!! This one even has a cd player!! Exclamation points!! We took the quick drive to the coast, listening to an old mix-cd I found. (Seriously, do you know where your cds are? No, you don't, because you don't listen to them anymore! Also serious: I would love to have your cds for my car.)

   Here in Oregon we don't actually call it "the beach," because, well, that'd be a lie. The water is too cold to swim in for long, the wind blows hard (and cold), and the sun is rarely out in force. It's not a place to go get tan, meet babes or surf without a wetsuit. In fact, the babies resorted to this shelter Garrett and I had to build:

Shelter from the wind. It's like we're in Iraq or something,

We put up a sheet to try and shield Cara, Auntie Ashley
and Baby Wallet (AKA "the babies") from the harsh wind.

   Yep!! Sunglasses, sunscreen, sweatpants and jackets make for a typical August day on the Oregon Coast.  Just so you know, it looked like this for a long time:

I wonder if we'll see any celebrities!?

   I even forgot to bring anything warm whatsoever!! I guess I was just too preoccupied providing for and protecting my family. So I was just in my sandals, t-shirt and shorts, like a sucker. After about 45 minutes of this we gave up. As we were leaving our prized shelter, we saw other groups of people trying desperately to have fun: Two guys throwing a football that veered in weird directions because of the wind, a young family hiding in the tall grass from the galeforce winds, a sad child failing to fly his kite, someone chasing an errant frisbee for miles. It just made you want to give everyone a hug! I wanted to yell "We tried, everyone!! Maybe next time!?"

   Luckily our town on the coast, Florence, has lots of little lakes, great state parks and enormous sand dunes. So we went to Honeymon Park, laid in the sand and got warm.

Wyatt doing his army crawl, in keeping with our Desert Storm Trooper theme. 

   Guess what?! Wy loves the sand. He can't get enough of it, and not just in his mouth! He loved playing and crawling and trying to walk and throwing sand and burying my no-longer-function cell phone! When we put him on the ground on the sand dune, he crawled/rolled down several feet, just giggling!!

   He loves the water too!! The lakes on the coast are very warm and comfy, so they're easy to splash in. What a great time was had by all!! This is the most interesting thing you could have read today!!

My mood: adventurous but tired from all of the adventuring!!
Wy's mood: excited for new experiences!!
Listening to: Prom Mix 2003

Manhood Lost

   I know I was never that cool. I mean, I write a blog that basically chronicles my misadventures as a housemom. I've been driving a '95 Buick Grandma for like 8 years. The first girl I asked to homecoming just straight said "no." There are pictures of me doing this and looking like this (If you ever get tired of me linking to those same two pages, just say so). In college I majored in math, which is basically like majoring in pokemon. You get it, I'm not a cool dude.

   But COME ON.

   Did my ego need this shot? No it did not. It's bad enough that when I would meet students to tutor, they often always drove away in a nicer car than I did. One time my car wouldn't even start, and that punk 16-year-old sophomore drove by and gave me a quizzical, judgemental look. It was as if he was saying "I'm sure not going to make the same mistakes in life he did." But I think I'd rather drive a non-starting '95 Buick Virgin than a minivan.

This is my exact car, except mine has more body
damage and has had fewer chicks in it, I am sure.

   So, yeah, we have a minivan now. You might be asking "Why do you need a minivan, don't you only have one kid?" or maybe you wonder "Why do you work so hard to push away all of your friends, who don't have kids and minivans and spit-up on their shirts?" These are valid questions, and you may direct them towards my wife.

   Still, maybe there are some good things that come out of this. It will now be nearly impossible for me to pick up ladies. It used to be I'd walk through the grocery store and see a girl oggling Wyatt, and I'd ask if she'd want to meet my nephew. But now, when she sees my car, the jig is up. I feel like this is healthy. If nothing else, it will make it more challenging. It seems that I like challenges.

Ugh.

My mood: seriouslywhywouldyouevenask!?

Wyatt's mood: cutting teeth is painful!

Listening to: Everybody Hurts by REM