Friday, August 14, 2015

Home Cookin!!

An artistic picture of leaves and stuff.

   Guys!! I have such a great life, and you should be jealous of it. So I am going to blog about just how great it is, so you can improve yours!! You're welcome. For example, my Facebook posts get almost 8 likes on average (some as high as 15!!), my wife and I have never once said a cross word to each other, or even done a crossword, and lately we've been eating food we pulled from the ground!! Let's talk about that last one ad nauseum for the rest of this post.

   We were pleasantly surprised when the house we bought four years ago had producing fruit trees in the back yard. We thought they'd give a few lousy apples and be done, but we get a large supply of apples and persimmons each fall. (If you don't know what a persimmon is, don't ask. Only because I will talk about them for hours, driving you crazy, but also because I can't really describe the things. I will, however, bring persimmon bread to every party I go to from November through March.)

   A few weeks ago, Cara bought a bread maker. We eat like 2.8 loaves of a bread a week around here, mostly because I adore sandwiches like a spider adores all those spots under your chair. So this thing should pay for itself in about 7 hours.

   And our garden is ever growing as well, with tomatoes and onions and other things you don't care about so I won't keep listing them.

   The point is, I am working really, really hard to convince you that we are great parents living a simple, idyllic life and providing only the best for our children, and also lots of chicken nuggets. Here are some pictures to support this:

   This is some homemade bread with some homemade raspberry jam. I've found that having warm bread and delicious jam around all the time has made me want to eat only warm-bread-and-delicious-jam all the time. I finally understand the British, and I don't just mean their language.

   If you look closely, you can see some orange looking syrup. That's plum syrup, made from the plums off a friend's tree. We've also made plum jam, and both are phenomenal. Great camping food. Also, those pancakes were made from scratch, using only water and some pancake mix I got at Costco.

   Do you now see how great my life is?! It's pretty great. I will continue to blog to inspire you to live more like me!! And I have two kids and also my house is always clean so don't bother looking into it!

There have been a few pleasant surprises from our recent feeding fad:

1) We don't waste as much food. Working hard to make it and prepare it causes me to be more diligent about eating it.

2) I don't eat as much. The time and prep causes me to pause before I make that third sandwich. It's not like that bread came easy. This is not a good thing.

3) I want to tell everyone about my food sourcing all the time. Because I am obnoxious and like to brag.

4) I have become much more likely to make numbered lists about food.

5) Sliced bread is actually quite nice. You know that lame line "The greatest thing since sliced bread"?! I get it now. Also, I've been watching a lot of Cheers lately, so if you want to say "They have a real Sam and Diane thing going on," I'll get that one too. The crumb production in this household has skyrocketed, outpacing quarterly projections by a billion fold. I am working out a system to harvest the crumbs and either use it for breaded chicken, or glue it all together to form a new piece of bread.

   How do the kids feel about this? Well, one thing we've grown is spinach, and recently when offered some salad, Wyatt said what all of us have always been thinking. "Um, I think that I don't like leaves." Brilliant. A great encapsulation of the American Condition, really. Also, he doesn't really pronounce his "l's," so it came out "Um, I think that I don't wike weaves." Even better.


Monday, August 10, 2015

Buckle Up!!

Wyatt has learned both how to spell his name, and how to do it in a cool, Wayne-Enterprises fashion. Like, Bruce Wayne. Nevermind.

   Every time Wyatt has learned a new skill, it's been celebrated. I think I cried the first time he picked up a bink and put it in his mouth. Of course his first steps, first lie, and first time on the potty were big deals. But, one thing you learn as a parent is that these things aren't exciting because your child is growing and developing. No, they are exciting because your life just got a lot easier.

   The worst thing about parenting is easily the carseats. Constantly putting kids in, digging for buckles, moving them from car to car, having no space to haul your motorcycle or Total Gym, the crumbs and stains and stickies. It's dreadful. The occasional pinch of precious little Aeden's skin in the buckles is obscene as well. So today, when Wyatt finally was able to buckle himself into his carseat, all on his own (both top and bottom buckles!!) you'll understand why I high-fived the lady in the passenger seat of the car next to me at Costco. She felt accosted, especially when I demanded she roll her window down so that I can slap her, but she also rejoiced right along with me.
Lincoln is learning the skill of shirt-eating

   I can't imagine a better milestone. Sure, I like that I don't change Wy's dipes anymore, but life still has its accidents. And struggles. And yes, he still can't unbuckle himself, so getting out of the car remains as complex as a military operation, but at least in those cases he is tethered to one place, unable to cause problems, and wanting to cooperate.

   Is today the greatest day of my life?! No, that was that one day when I went to bed and realized I hadn't worn pants at all. But it's top five, without a doubt. Should we list them?

1) No pants
2) Accidental free guac on that burrito that one time
3) Seriously, one time as a kid I walked up to a vending machine, pushed a button without putting in any money, and out fell a Squirt.
4) Kids being born or marriage or something.
5) Buckle Day.

   So now Wyatt can buckle himself in the car. He can kind of ride his strider bike super well. One day he'll tie his own shoes and one day he'll make me cookies. Things will continue to get better. In the mean time, I will patiently explain that 7 is not bigger than 30 until he gets it.

My mood: accomplished and relieved
Wyatt's mood: secure
Listening to: Destiny's Child