The Weird Family on the Block!!

Did you know that 108% of household accidents involve ladders?! And that 19% of those accidents don't involve pants?!

(After much deliberation, I chose to subtly and classily pencil out Wy's derriere extraordinaire -- because of, you know, jail. AND! I didn't even draw something funny or inappropriate!! AND don't worry!! He never even climbed on the "Do Not Climb On This Step" step, even though that's ridiculous because it's a step on a ladder OF COURSE WE ARE GOING TO CLIMB ON IT.)

   We have lots of great neighbors with great families. Kids that play outside together, shooting hoops or kicking soccer balls. It's a huge blessing. And being at the end of a cul-de-sac means we don't worry too much about traffic or noise. Sometimes the neighbors will even watch Wyatt while I frolic in the sprinklers work on a project, which is a total blessing.

This is one of the neighbor boys on our street. His name is... Doug? Jeff? Theodore? I think there's a Theodore on our street somewhere. Maybe it's the cat? What were we talking about?! Oh! Neighbor boys. They are, honestly, his favorite people in the world. They even put that chair out for him when he's over.

   All these wonderful things have a real negative result: we're the bad ones. We're the ones with the kid who is often without a diaper, never wearing pants or a shirt, often shoe-less, and walking around trying to talk to everyone. There's sort of a "there goes Wyatt again" mentality on our street. Like "There goes Wyatt, trying to grab that cat's tail again. I wonder where his parents are?" Or "There goes Wyatt, picking all of our blueberries, eating none of them, and only wearing one shoe. Why is it always the left shoe?!" Or, my favorite, "There goes Wyatt again, throwing rocks at that truck. Is his shirt tucked in to his diaper?! At least he has a diaper this time. Why does he have a wrench!?"

This kid will never be cool. Especially not when his friends read my blog in 15 years. BECAUSE IT WILL STILL BE AROUND THEN.

   I'm a good dad!! I like to leave Wyatt shoe-less to improve his balance and toughen him up. I like to leave him pants-less because I wish I could be pants-less more often. I like to leave him shirt-less because, well, um, I'm usually shirtless and don't want to be the only one. I let him roam and explore because I'm a good dad!!

Two binks, one booger. He'd hold one bink, see it, and take out the other to put it in. He did this like 4 times. All while I tried and failed to grab that boogie.

   Cara is actually a good mom. Wyatt's always dressed and in a clean diaper and not running around with scissors when she's home. She definitely doesn't let him climb up and down ladders all day. But how else is he going to learn about gravity?! And mistakes? And pain? Because that's all this world is: gravity, mistakes and pain.

See!! We're weird!! This was moments after I asked him "Do you know what cross-eyed means?!" He still doesn't know what "blanket" means.

My mood: toughening kids up, one toddler at a time

Wyatt's mood: freedom!!

Listening to: Curious George music

Perfect Day!!

Let's go daddy!!

   I had no idea that having a kid could let me have this much fun so soon! For so long, it was just walks and boring books and changing diapers and feeding and scheming for ways to get Cara to do everything. Now, though, now there is exploring and learning and growing and diapers (yeah that one's still there).

   In high school, my buddy Jered-with-two-e's and I spent countless summer days doing the same few things: eating cereal, playing video games, biking to the fountain, floating the river, swimming at camp Harlow, going to a thrift store and turning down the ladies left and right. It was a problem. Like, "Girls! I want to get to know you for who you are, and I refuse to date more than one of you at a time!" We had several perfect days that involved all of those things.

Well, guess what Wyatt and I did today...

Bike to the river?! Check.

I know you are thinking "Where on earth is his life jacket!?" It's okay, crazy person! It's one of those invisible ones that you can't see but totally works.

Bike to the Fountain?! Check.

(he never actually got in the fountain, just got his feet and hands any my phone wet. Baby steps. Is that cliche? I think that's cliche. Get over it.)

Cereal?! Check (not pictured)

Thrift Store?! No. (not pictured)

Beating off ladies?! Yes. But it's not the same. Before, it was cheerleaders and soccer players and girls that were clearly in college. Now it's moms and grandmas, and they know that Wy's just the cutest! and the best! and what a big boy! and lookatthoscutelittlecheeks...! Come on ladies!! I'm getting sick of this!! I thought I got that point across in highschool! I need some space!!

We also played in the park.

He even fell in the water twice!! From the edge, he just got his bum wet, so don't freak out on me. You tend to do that.

By the end of the day he was tired, a little sun burnt and super happy.

I took this picture while riding my bike. Kidding!! No I'm not!! I actually did!!

We had a great day and lots of fun. Someone should make a children's book out of it. Looking at you, Sean. Best part of all? He slept great.

My mood: tired, drained, but super content
Wyatt's mood: tired, drained, ready for more tomorrow
Listening to: Pumped Up Kicks

Terrifying Video!!

 

He really wants those chips. Will he get them! Read on to find out!

Wyatt got the chips! Watch what happens, I am quite sure it is the worst thing ever. So far.

   First of all, let me explain. That music. It was part of the ending credits to Wreck-it-Ralph.  That Japanesey music isn't normally playing in our house. If I am going to listen to Japanese music, it is going to be soundtracks to video games. Also, I thought Gwen Stefani was singing that song for the longest time, because she strikes me as an artist that would do that sort of thing, but no.
   But, getting back to the point here, did you see that?! He was able to roll a chair into position under the counter, climb on the chair, and climb on the counter. He can now, reasonably, get on to our kitchen counter at will. That's the worst thing ever, so far. Yes, he's a year-and-a-half. Yes, we keep knives up there. Yes, sometimes I'll work with raw meat and eggs and leave them lying around. Yes, I know you aren't actually asking any of these questions.
   Also, yes, I know I could just move the chair somewhere safer, and I have. But I think we can all agree at this point that when Wyatt does finally fall hard and hit his head, we'll only have Cara to blame because she's working so much! It's like, be home watching your kid! It's not fair to him that his mom is gone working all the time and his dad is gone hammocking all afternoon! Pull it together!

(True story: while writing this he climbed on our air-conditioner. And he isn't wearing a shoe (don't know how that happened) The air conditioner isn't running or anything but HOLY CRAP!)

 My mood: nervous and frustrated, but proud
Wyatt's mood: mostly just happy to have chips
Listening to: Owl City's Wreck-It-Ralph Song

Let The Kid Be A Kid!!

   Some people might judge us for letting Wyatt do this. In fact, my mom and sister were definitely judging us. As were all the neighbors that walked by. I think the geese even gave me a sideways look. I'll report, you decide.

   What's so bad? No pants? Bare skin? Wearing Keens? Letting him have his way in a dirty drain/puddle and a pile of rotten old leaves? Playing in the street? Yeah, okay, maybe that's pretty bad.

   You need to let kids do what they want to do. At all times. This is very important to being a liked parent.

   My mood: all relaxed and chill, dude
   Wyatt's mood: didn't like leaving his new Christmas toy.
   Listening to: Joe Buck.

It Is A Treat Being Married To Me!!!!

   I know I know I know. You sit there and you think "how did she get so lucky?" How did she land a guy that takes such good care of her AND the baby? Well, we're not sure. We talk about it all the time. What?! You don't know what I am talking about!? Let me show you:  

   If you didn't catch what was going on up there, Wyatt has become a little bit shy when he's doing his dirty work. Lately I'll find him in a corner, behind a chair or something, crouching, staring and occasionally grunting. It's pretty adorable, really. So, I encourage him to walk up next to his mom, brace himself on her, and get to work. She wants that kind of bonding time with her son, and I allow it to happen frequently.
   (Also, that was a monster poop. Like, he almost pooped out a monster. I'm sure when you woke up this morning you thought "I'd like to read a thrown-together blog post centering around poop.")

   Here's what happened next:

   We've already talked about how Wyatt knows some of his boundaries and tries to push them. He's not allowed to touch the computer, so he'll drop things on it, "accidentally" fall on it, walk into it, or poke it with a stick or something. Clever boy. And don't worry, Cara loves it when I let him be free, it doesn't annoy her when she's watching something.

   So, as you can see, while Cara is watching some show on her computer, she lets her poopie son run all around causing destruction. I'm a cool customer, though, so I don't freak out. I just remind her of her motherly duty to change all diapers, clean the house, make some food and entertain the baby. I would try to help but I am busy documenting our lives.

   What do I mean by "documenting our lives," exactly? Well, I want proof that we are great parents who only want the best for our son while maintaining a safe and healthy home. Like this:

   Before you go nuts and call social services, know that the house has only been like this for like two weeks, and I'll get it all cleaned up today or tomorrow or whenever I finish Battlestar Gallactica. Today, while Cara is at work and I have a precious day off school, I plan to play with my son, blog a little, pinterest a lot, and maybe take a shower. There's definitely no time to clean anything.
   (Also, when I say "he got in the shredder," it's not like the shredder was plugged in or anything. And, even if it was, it's not like he knows how to operate it anyways. So, that's no big deal either. Also, "the shredder" is a pretty cool name that I should incorporate into my persona.)
   How did she get so lucky?!

My mood: proud to be so good at being a husband
Cara's mood: frustrated because can't finish her show.
Wyatt's mood: wants his diaper changed.
Listening to: that blow my whistle baby song. 

The Little Sinner!!

I've quickly learned that vests and overalls are just killer cute on babies.

   Oh man, guys. This stuff's getting real right about now. Wyatt clearly understands the words "no" and "no touch," and he is definitely aware that there are things he's not supposed to touch (like outlets and, ahem, candles, and me when I'm facebooking). But what's been pretty entertaining is watching him not touch those things.

   I'd like to start with a story, before I dive into this story. When I was in high school I volunteered at my church's 3rd and 4th grade Sunday School room. I did this because I am a truly wonderful person, inside and out, but that's not the point.

 There were these math toys to play with. I played with them every week, making designs like the following:

Important copyright information: My brother made this design a couple days ago, put it on facebook, and then I stole it. There, you can leave me alone now, Garrett.

     The designs are lots of fun to make, and also very easy to make. Unlike the shoddy work shown above, my designs were sure to have rotational symmetry and reflectional symmetry, so, yeah. You might not think of those shapes as a math toy, but they are because all toys are really math toys, so get over it.

   When I was volunteering at Sunday School, hogging these toys from the other kids, I would say very clearly and sternly: DO NOT TOUCH MY DESIGN. Again, they were about eight years old or so. What I found extremely interesting, and really it's always stuck with me, is that those kids would lay their heads down on the floor, stare at the shapes, and put their fingers as close to it as possible without touching it. They'd look at me, gauge my reaction, and move their fingers closer. As soon as they touched even a corner of a piece I would reprimand them, they'd back of, and then usually leave it alone. In fact, they often left at that point and played with some other volunteer who was actually fun.
   Those encounters happened several times. It's like two dynamics were at work: 1) They wanted to get as close to doing the bad thing as they possibly could without actually doing the bad thing, and 2) They wanted to test their limits. I knew if I let them touch the pieces ever so slightly, that'd turn into touching more pieces and then moving pieces and then probably doing drugs, so I had to draw the line.

   Story over. Now back to my story.