Saturday, August 17, 2013

Wife's Turn!!

Cara made me pick this photo. She thinks it looks like I want to kiss her,
or something.  She just likes it when I look stupid. Well, I'll show her.

   People are always stopping me in the street, when I'm driving, and they always have one question: "How does your wife feel about all this?!"
   Now, I'm super modest, so I pretend I don't know what they are talking about. It'd be rude of me to assume they are referring to my "ridiculous blog" as my sister once called it, and not, say, my phenomenal fashion sense. "Feel about what?!" I respond with a practiced, quizzical look. "My phenomenal fashion sense?"
   "Your blog." They say. "You know, the one that I hear gets nearly 27 page views every day. The one where you talk about her being at work and never doing the dishes and ruining pretty much everything (which I have to agree, she does). Does it ever bother her?!"

   That's a great question, random peasant. I've asked her many times to write her own post or two, but she never gets around to it, mumbling something about "paying bills" and "no one ever takes out the trash around here." So, I figured I'd help her out.

   I'll ask the questions. I'll type her responses for her. This can't go wrong.

   Cara, your husband talks about you all of the time. Does it ever get uncomfortable?! Has he ever really angered you with something he said?!
   Theres always potentail for that, yes. Oh, sorry if my spelling is bad, I can't really spell or type or punctuate good. But no, he's good about running anything by me that might actual be an issue. For me or someone else.

   So when he talks about how much you work, and says things like "Wyatt just started saying [your] name a few days ago," and then makes you out to be an awful wife and mother, you're not upset?!
   No, I think people realise he's making fun of himself, not me. He's always painting a picture like he's on the couch playing video games while I am working and doing all the chroes. I mean that literaly. He's literaly painting. He's a great paintist. But that's not the case, he's not as lazy as he wants you to think he is. He just finds it funnier that way.He has a job and he makes more food than I do. And he's a way better cook. And really, if I would just pick up my own clothes every once in a while the house would be pretty clean, too. I mean, how could he be lazy when he blogs SO MUCH!?
   A lot of people don't realize how hard it is to blog. It's the pictures in particular. He has to take the pictures. Then go to the darkroom on campus and develop them. Then scan them at Kinko;s. Then go to the computer and load them onto a thumb drive. Then put them on his computer to put on his blog. It's a huge process.
   Um... no.
   What? Do you seriously thing that's the process?
   It's not like you can go straight from film - to - blog.
   He's not using film.
   Of course he is, what else would he use?
   Is that what he's been telling you?! Does he just disappear for hours at a time to "put pictures on his blog" or something?!
Yeah! About twice a week. He leaves with a bunch of quarters, and then he usually comes home smelling like an arcade.
   Oh, okay, yeah. That's legit. Let him keep going with that.

   Now, people have called your husband an innovator and a once-in-a-generation talent. 
   I don't think that's ever happened.
   No it totally has. Does this threaten you at all?!
   [laughs] Ha! No. I am just happy to be married to him. Its a great adventure. [looks longingly at photo of Grant and sighs].

   He has his fair share of groupies and internet stalkers. They call themselves "Grant's Girls," I think. Have you met any of them!?
   What?! No, um, that's not a thing. I haven't met any of these fake people.
   No it's totally real. I'm one of them.
   Wait, what?! Who is supposed to be asking these questions?
   It doesn't matter. Don't worry about it. Just know how lucky you are to have him. But, it must bother you that he is so darn handsome and is such an inescapable internet presence.
   He's not that handsome. He's like, passable at best.

   Do you ever worry that Wyatt's friends will see this blog in a few years and he'll become a pariah?
   I do. Grant makes a lot of fun of everyone. It's pretty much his only known method of showing affecshun. Last night he told me I had "one of the biggest pieces of pie he'd ever seen a woman eat." and that it "Kind of makes him sick to think about." Ha! What fun. So, yes, I am afraid that kids will make fun of Wyatt in a fashion similar to how Grant does. But, a pharoah?! No, um, I don't really see how that relates to the issue. Do they even have those anymore?
   [Rolls eyes] Ugh. Let's move on. What about those pictures?! We talked about them a bit before, but I'd like to have a non-ridiculous conversation about them. Who takes them all? Are there any you cringe at?
   He works pretty hard on his body. So no. That's all good. Just keep it tight.
   Oh yeah.

   Is there anything you'd like to say before we close this thing up?
   Yeah. When Grant and I were in college, sometimes I'd just go to his house and watch him and his roommates play video games. Smash Bros or Zelda or a Final Fantasy or something. Grant was under the impression this would continue after we got married, and has felt betrayed ever since. I don't watch him play games, or play with him, hardly at all. I feel awful about this and vow to change my ways from this day forward. I promise!!

  So there you go. Now all of you can stop hassling me at the grocery store about when Cara gets a turn. She can have a turn whenever she wants one. You can also stop asking my for my best brownie-making recipe, just use the one on the back of the box of brownies!!

My mood: glad that's over with
Wyatt's mood: wants to play in the water!!
Listening to: Dave Matthews

No comments:

Post a Comment