Tuesday, July 16, 2013

I'm Back!! I Bet You're Happy!!

It's like he's thinking "he's never coming back..."

   Whew!! Well, people, I was gone for a month, seeing Yellowstone and it's lung-healthy sulfur, and then learning math for three weeks in brain-healthy college in Montana. Four weeks I was gone, and three of them without my family!!
   Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking Four weeks!? That doesn't account for the fact that it's been like SEVEN MONTHS since you last blogged here!!
   Whoa, well, hold on now. It hasn't been seven months. That's just absurd. It's been like two. Like two months.
   Yeah, obviously I was exaggerating. Still, four weeks equals one month, it does not equal two months, or did you not learn that in math school?
   Whoa! Okay, I see you've been feeling betrayed. I get it, you checked this blog like maybe once, and were disappointed at the lack of pictures of me. But, still, there's no such thing as "math school" and you're just embarrassing yourself now. So let's calm down a bit and -
   You calm down! I demand an explanation!!
   Whoa! I really thought you'd just be glad I was back! It's not like I've been forcing you to come here (except for you, Cara, I know), so, let's just get on with the blog post and the pictures and the low-quality videos and stuff.
   Yeah, sure, just like that. We've all been just DYING until you've returned. How did we ever survive without you for all these years?!?
   Whoa, you're really mad. The last time you were this mad, I think I calmed you with a picture of Ryan Gosling. Did that work? Let's see if that works:

   Listen! I'm not going to... it's just... it's just that his shirt is SO TORN! Is he looking at me?! Does he know I'm here?
   He does.
   Wow. It's like they made him a shirt that would only fit if it was torn. How did they do that? Why did they do that? Still, I bet he would never ABANDON ME FOR TWO MONTHS!! What is wrong with you, and how dare you try and turn RyGos into a weapon!
   Whoa! "RyGos?" Really?
   Don't try to distract me!
   Whoa! I don't have to do this! I don't! It's summer time and I could be playing video games or floating rivers or working in my garden that I've been neglecting! Sheesh! It's like your my son all over again. Sure, he was talking to me on Skype and singing songs and giving me kisses the first week I was gone, but by the third he didn't even want to see me anymore. When he did see me, he cried for a second and then went to play with his cousins. So, yeah, maybe I am not in the mood to get yelled at by a non-toddler at the moment.
   First, it's confusing when you put "non-toddler" in italics because I thought I was saying that but I was like "wait I am not saying that," but second, tough. Get over it. You're the one who left us, not the other way around. You need to make up for that.
   Whoa, whoa. Okay. Whoa.
   STOP SAYING "WHOA!" You've started every paragraph with the word "Whoa!" This isn't Blossom!!
   Does that even make sense?
   I think that Joey guy always said "whoa" on that show, right? No I will not google it!
   Listen, let's just call this a day. I'll come back later and try to get this thing started right. How do you like that?! NO BLOG FOR YOU TODAY!! Maybe you should go read Dan Meyer's Blog to fill the time. It's a math blog. It's a blog about teaching math. I hope you like math, you ungracious little piece of meatball. Ha! Look at you. Now you're stuck reading a blog about math and you probably hate math. Maybe that'll teach you to be nicer to a guy who's kid couldn't care less about him when they first saw each other. That's all.
   Now just you wait a se-

My mood: Pretty great!!
Listening to: Call Me Maybe

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