When Should A Baby Start Crawling?!

     So... um... Wyatt's like almost six months old now, and he's not crawling. I hear about babies that are walking by four months or something, and all Wyatt is able to do is push up off his belly. Is something wrong with him?

     I do everything I am supposed to do! Don't judge me!! While I'm playing on the computer I'll put stuff that he wants to eat (like french fries or paper or grass) just out of reach so he'll try to move towards it. When I am watching TV and he is crying I put him in another room and just let him go crazy for a couple of hours!!

     Here's a picture of my hard efforts:

     As you can clearly see, I am doing my job as a parent in putting the paper just out of hands reach. He wants to eat it, and if he can get to it he can. Come on!! Paper is yummy and good for you!!

     I have two of the best videos of him not crawling. But they both can't be loaded onto here, because they are too long. If I were a good blogger, or could edit videos, you'd be able to watch them. Unfortunately I am neither of those, so I will do the next best thing: Use my gift of word-smithing to paint you a vivid, brilliant picture in your mind that feels like a velvet blanket and tastes like chocolate:

     There we were, him on the floor and me standing above. The paper - already chewed and torn, hard and crispy from having been sucked and then dried, like a tortilla left out over night - was just out of reach. How was he going to put it in his mouth!? He loves putting things in his mouth. 
     But, did he want the paper?There was a camera on him. He is always distracted by cameras. 
     He was trying to crawl! But then he didn't. In fact, he fell over on his back! It's hard to describe... I guess you'd have to be there to get it. It was cute and funny! Words really can't do it justice!


     But then! Something magical happened.

Nursery Nightmare

My wife would probably prefer that I clean up the nursery before I put it online for the world to see. But I am trying to give a glimpse into our actual lives, not the lives I want to portray. This is real, yo. Besides, if she wants it clean so bad she could clean it herself sometime. Instead of spending all day at work, doing "work stuff" while I am home with the baby blogging and netflixing. This is a long caption.

     I think Wyatt is scared of his crib, and I think I figured out why.

     It's terrifying.


     The nursery as a whole is pretty great. It's got a soft blue paint on the walls and a crib and a rocking chair and a changing station and books and soft toys and stuffed animals.

     And it has a mobile of monkeys! What fun is that?!

     No fun! It's no fun when his mom spins the mobile at night, and there are singing, dancing monkeys with claws above his head, taunting him. And what are those little round things?! Drops of poison? Rain?! You should see the shadows this thing makes at night. It's awful. I wouldn't be able to sleep in there, and not just because I can't fit in the crib.

     But that's not the worst. In the nursery there are these two old-timey posters that the wife cut up and framed. They are actually quite quaint:

     Soft rolling hills and mountains, and a train rolling along the side of a cliff. Sounds peaceful, right?

     Wrong! It's a nightmare! Why? There's no engine. Anywhere. Those two train cars are careening down the side of a cliff with a huge curve in it and there's nothing to stop them. The passengers in it are mortified, and Wyatt is stuck in a room that reminds him of two things: You have no control of the world around you (there is no engine, only tracks), and the animals would kill you if they could.

      And is there a subtle, creepy reflection of a person in that picture?! We have to move.

     My mood: protective of my baby
     Wyatt's mood: leery
     Listening to: Incubus