Monday, December 19, 2016


   Y'all might find this hard to believe, but I've not won a lot of awards. Sure, I've won a Bloggy, which is a made-up-award for the world's best blog about Wyatts, but that barely counts. And every once in a while Wyatt calls me "a pretty good gad," which... I just wish he'd never met Aaron's dad. It's been a rough life.

The dad in this photo, whomever that hero may be, clearly deserves some recognition and/or money. I promise I'll use the money to buy Lincoln a jacket that fits.
   Actually, I did win my high school's chess tournament when I was a sophomore. There was no trophy, but my dad found a big trophy and printed up a sticker that read "Grant Gilchrist Sheldon High School Chess Champion" and placed it over the plaque that was already on the trophy. This is a true story. That thing was enormous. I then realized that trophy forging was a thing, and went to thrift stores and bought trophies to put up on my shelves all the time. People would come over for the first time, and most could tell immediately that I wasn't trophy-winning material and ask where I bought them, but every once in a while a poor sucker would get really impressed and say "Wow! I had no idea you were so good at bowling, karate, archery, and ... ballet?!" I would then piroutte.

   Wyatt? He had to wait five years to win something.

I didn't get the other girl's mom's permission to use her photo, so I did some fancy photoshopping. Can you see where? Only 16% of people can. (Genius Level). However, It turns out this picture of Shirley Temple isn't that far off from how cute that girl in the red actually is.

   At Wyatt's school, where he is in Pre-K, which apparently is a thing, he won an award for showing respect, or being nice, or eating vegetables or something like that. I'm not really sure, seeing as how I wasn't given the award I wasn't really paying attention. Actually it kind of looks like he wasn't paying attention either. And... is that just a blank piece of paper?

  The best thing about this, however, is that IT TOTALLY VALIDATES MY PARENTING!! Do you understand?! I can chat with other parents, pull up this picture on my phone, and say "I don't know what character awards your kids have won, but as the father to a publicly-acknowledged respectful son, I can assure you that Jason should not still be breastfeeding. ... So you can go ahead and stop that now."

   There are so many things to worry about when raising a child. When to give formula. Whether or not they should sleep on their stomachs. Or in your room. Or in the carseat. Or at all. Deciding if they should have sugar or gluten or crayons. Can they have plastic toys? Should they be spanked? Can they watch TV? I could go on.

   Here's the point: I NAILED all of those decisions. Got every one right. We know this because my son just won an award for having the best teeth I think in his class of 18 kids or something like that. Boom. I am writing a book on parenting and you can buy it for $83, because your kids are worth it.

Chapters include:
How Much Ignoring Is Too Much Ignoring? (Impossible)
When Is It Appropriate For Me To Judge Other Parents? (After you've won an award).
Is There Such Thing As Too Much Screen Time? (Kids: yes. Parents: no.)
What Sort Of Crafts Should I Have My Kids Do? (Cleaning, cooking, silence.)
How Do You Do It? (Natural talent, you don't have a chance)
and "Where Can I Find the Last Missile Canister in Super Metroid? (no idea after 15 years)

The book will go on sale after I've received enough orders to justify publication, so you can go ahead and send me that $83 now.

My mood: proud and about to be rich
Wyatt's mood: honestly, kind of confused by the whole thing. His grandpa called him to congratulate him and Wyatt had no idea what he was talking about. He did know about Spider-Man and wanted to talk about that.
Link's mood: jealous. Not of Wyatt, but of Chris Pratt.
Cara's mood: feeling better after a long run of morning sickness but really who cares.


  1. This is genius level. One of my favorite posts yet. You have nailed it.

    1. Thanks Steph!! Cara called this post "not at all factual" so now I have two fans. :)