Monday, December 1, 2014

Gonna Do Some Things Differently!!

1.3 years old. February 2012. Happiest day of his life, apparently.

   Baby #2 AKA New Wyatt AKA  Bruce Wayne AKA Marcus Mariota could come at any moment. Waiting for the new guy is kind of like playing Catch Phrase, where the timer starts going faster and faster. That timer is going to buzz, and it could buzz right now, but you just know that the person on your right is going to get the word she needs and throw the thing at you just before it goes off and it's super stressful so you cheat and answer the word for the other team and then grab the thing and don't even look at the word and just pretend like the word was "tree" and say "CUTITDOWNMAKEWOOD!!" and your partners are all idiots and they say "Old Man Skinner's Barn!!" and you say "YES!!!!" and press the button and pass it so that the other team can't even see what your word was at all but then you think "Wait could I do that everytime?" and pretty soon you never read the actual word anymore but spend the whole game trying to figure out what word you should make up next time and it's almost always objects that you can see so you can be like "It's that thing over there!!" and your partner says "A fedora!" and you never lose.

   It, um, it's just like that. Point is, baby's coming. We don't have a name for the little guy, but he's coming.

Also 1.3 years old. Notice the pellet stove blazing away. RIP, stove.

   So, since I am a good parent, I have been thinking about things that I can do better with this new one. Wyatt is pretty much good and screwed up, nothing we can do about that. We always viewed him as a test kid anyways. (That's what makes him special!!) But now that we've got this thing figured out, here's what we'll change and what we'll keep the same:

Things To Change
1) Only hold Marcus on my left arm. I've been exclusively right-sided with Wyatt. He won't even try to sleep on my left shoulder anymore. As such, my right arm has gone from it's pre-Wyatt status of *ripped* to a whole new level of CUT. It is a thing of beauty. All my selfies are basically just pictures of my right arm. I even got a tattoo of my right arm on my left arm. Unfortunately, my left arm has pretty much just shriveled and died in this time frame. So this is going to be a left-hand-only gig.

   That's it. End of list.

Christmas-Eve 2012. Wyatt is like Derek Zoolander, he's not an ambi-holder.

   Come on, are you surprised? I've been writing this blog every day bi-monthly for nearly three years, so you've seen first-hand just how freaking awesome I am at this. I've never rammed Wyatt's head into anything while throwing him in the air. I've only locked him in the car once, and he was asleep the whole time so no big deal. Sure I let him play in a truck full of fertilizer for days before realizing that "fertilizer" really means "poo," but I was right in there with him!!

   What would you change?

   Oh, I see. So you think I'll be a bit calmer and more relaxed on my first day home with the baby than I was with Wyatt?! Well that's where your wrong. See, I'm pretty sure that over this long, meandering stroll to having a three-year-old, I've forgotten pretty much everything about having a newborn. What do they eat?! Vitamins?! Do I just chew up vitamins and put them in a bottle?! I haven't changed a diaper since June, so, I guess that'll have to start up again. Oh! That's one thing I'd change this time around:

Things To Change
2) Potty train the baby on like day 4.

There, that's a good thing to add to the list. Whoa, now that I think about it, there are lots of things I should change.

Things To Change
3) I love it that Wyatt can take off all his clothes now, and even put on his own shoes, so let's get Marcus Mariota to do that in a few weeks.
4) Transition from "crying" into "singing." That way whenever the baby is crying it can be to the tune of Miley's "Jolene." (Seriously, have you heard that banger? It's like daaaaaang grrrrl!)

That does it. If I can handle those four things, New Marcus will be a perfect kid, just like his brother Bruce Wyatt.

My mood: anxious and stressed
Wyatt's mood: sleepy and hungry
Listening to: Jolene

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