Thursday, March 28, 2013

Sappy One!!

  I've realized that if I'm ever going to get more than nine page views per day, (and finally win the respect of my father-in-law), I need to get sappy. Like, super-sappy-share-it-on-facebook-because-you-were-crying sappy. So, I've read a couple sappy blogs and think I can pull this off.

Partial Eclipse of My Face, kind of like a Total Eclipse of the Heart

   Darkness. Is that all there is? I mean, don't get me wrong, I love being a parent, but sometimes it's just like ugh. Why? Is this what it's supposed to be like? I guess I haven't really said anything substantial yet, but, just give me some time to get there, okay?

   It is so hard raising ONE CHILD when you and your wife both work, and when your parents and sister and your wife's parents and sister are able to babysit whenever you want. Sometimes I go to bed at night - if I get a chance to go to bed at all, between Wyatt wanting to play, eat, poop, pee, laugh, crawl, cry, breathe, knock things over, go for walks, draw on the walls (the walls!) fuss, throw tantrums, and cuddle - and don't even know how I will make it through the next day, where I'll drop Wyatt of at my mom's, go to work, pick Wyatt up from my mom's go home and watch TV for a few hours.
   Some nights I stay up, cashing in my bad luck. Some nights, I call it a draw. But I still wake up, and I still see Wyatt's face. And, I don't know, don't get me wrong, I'm still not sure what I stand for. But then I look into my nephew's eyes and, man, you won't believe. The most amazing things.
   It's like I'm too tired to cry, but it's all I know how to do anymore.


   Don't get me wrong. Being a parent is the most rewarding and wonderful thing anyone could ever do besides jet skiing. It's worth it in those little moments. Those precious moments where Wyatt says "meow!" after I ask him what sound a cow makes (what!? Cow's don't make that sound!). Those precious moments where Wyatt puts his shoulder on my head and falls asleep without me prompting him, and then I'm all like "whoa why is your shoulder on my head this is weird." Those wonderful, precious little moments where he feeds himself, cleans up after himself, and then decides to dump the remaining baby food all over the rug. Precious moments, every day, that keep me going and help me remember why I do what I do besides the fact that I legally have to do what I do. Also, I think "Precious Moments" could make a good merchandise line. Store that one away.

   Hmm. I've noticed you're not crying yet. This is a problem. I need to up my game a bit. What if I showed you this clip while reminding you that every dog that has ever played Lassie is dead. (Quick tangent: It is my dream to change my sister's ringtone to the Lassie theme, so that whenever she gets a call she will start crying. I know what you're thinking, you're thinking "Grant that is like the most achievable dream I have ever heard, why don't you just go do that right now?" Well, judgemental blog reader, I haven't done it because I am so tired from raising a single healthy child and some nights I wish my lips could build a castle and stuff. You're also thinking "Just because your sister cries at the Lassie theme song doesn't mean we all will." Yeah okay fine but did you remember the part where they're all dead?! Watch.)

   There, is that making you cry?! NO!? Wow, I didn't realize I was writing to a bunch of robots. (Quick tangent about robots: The other day my wife was talking about movies with me. We were talking about I, Robot because who isn't. She says "Okay is that the one where Will Smith is a cop? (Yes.) And, he can see into the future because of the kids in the liquid and the balls float up and there's no murders? (Now she's thinking about Minority Report, okay, that's understandable I guess. But, then, how did everyone become a zombie and Will Smith was the last person on earth? (Wow! I Am Legend just got thrown in there!) And what do robots have to do with it all?" I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Grant you're never going to make someone cry if you keep going on these tangents" and I'm all like "Just trust my process!!)

   Fine, so you're not crying, but I bet you are close. I bet all you need is a little heartwarming push over Cliff Tears, which would be a cool name for someone. I think I'll grab a trick I saw on pinterest/every craft store ever: List a bunch of words about children, or write a bad, non-rhyming poem, that could be used on a picture frame. It can't be that hard:

Happy, Warm, Cuddly
This is not going to be a haiku
May your days be filled with adventure
Your nights with laughter
Your lungs with air
And your dreams with adventure and laughter and also maybe air
Brave, Strong, Video Games

   There. Mission accomplished. If you were truly reading the words and thinking about what they mean, you are definitely, totally crying now. I know I am. And that wasn't even hard! It was my first try! And I didn't even delete anything, so, yeah, I'm a pro. I just hope you weren't in a public place, obviously crying, cause that'd be embarrassing.
   Now go! Share your emotions with the world! Like literally, share this thing. Everyone needs to feel the way you have just felt. As if withholding this moment from them is unfair. That's not why I wrote this heart-wrenching piece of literary brilliance, but if it happens, so be it. You're welcome.

My mood: emotionally drained
Wyatt's mood: emotionally drained and loving it
Listening to: the sounds of spring (which is different from the sound of music, which, now that I think about it, is one of the most redundant movie titles I can imagine. And I've thought about it.)

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