Gonna Do Some Things Differently!!

1.3 years old. February 2012. Happiest day of his life, apparently.

   Baby #2 AKA New Wyatt AKA  Bruce Wayne AKA Marcus Mariota could come at any moment. Waiting for the new guy is kind of like playing Catch Phrase, where the timer starts going faster and faster. That timer is going to buzz, and it could buzz right now, but you just know that the person on your right is going to get the word she needs and throw the thing at you just before it goes off and it's super stressful so you cheat and answer the word for the other team and then grab the thing and don't even look at the word and just pretend like the word was "tree" and say "CUTITDOWNMAKEWOOD!!" and your partners are all idiots and they say "Old Man Skinner's Barn!!" and you say "YES!!!!" and press the button and pass it so that the other team can't even see what your word was at all but then you think "Wait could I do that everytime?" and pretty soon you never read the actual word anymore but spend the whole game trying to figure out what word you should make up next time and it's almost always objects that you can see so you can be like "It's that thing over there!!" and your partner says "A fedora!" and you never lose.

   It, um, it's just like that. Point is, baby's coming. We don't have a name for the little guy, but he's coming.

Also 1.3 years old. Notice the pellet stove blazing away. RIP, stove.

   So, since I am a good parent, I have been thinking about things that I can do better with this new one. Wyatt is pretty much good and screwed up, nothing we can do about that. We always viewed him as a test kid anyways. (That's what makes him special!!) But now that we've got this thing figured out, here's what we'll change and what we'll keep the same:

Things To Change
1) Only hold Marcus on my left arm. I've been exclusively right-sided with Wyatt. He won't even try to sleep on my left shoulder anymore. As such, my right arm has gone from it's pre-Wyatt status of *ripped* to a whole new level of CUT. It is a thing of beauty. All my selfies are basically just pictures of my right arm. I even got a tattoo of my right arm on my left arm. Unfortunately, my left arm has pretty much just shriveled and died in this time frame. So this is going to be a left-hand-only gig.

   That's it. End of list.

Christmas-Eve 2012. Wyatt is like Derek Zoolander, he's not an ambi-holder.

   Come on, are you surprised? I've been writing this blog every day bi-monthly for nearly three years, so you've seen first-hand just how freaking awesome I am at this. I've never rammed Wyatt's head into anything while throwing him in the air. I've only locked him in the car once, and he was asleep the whole time so no big deal. Sure I let him play in a truck full of fertilizer for days before realizing that "fertilizer" really means "poo," but I was right in there with him!!

   What would you change?

   Oh, I see. So you think I'll be a bit calmer and more relaxed on my first day home with the baby than I was with Wyatt?! Well that's where your wrong. See, I'm pretty sure that over this long, meandering stroll to having a three-year-old, I've forgotten pretty much everything about having a newborn. What do they eat?! Vitamins?! Do I just chew up vitamins and put them in a bottle?! I haven't changed a diaper since June, so, I guess that'll have to start up again. Oh! That's one thing I'd change this time around:

Things To Change
2) Potty train the baby on like day 4.

There, that's a good thing to add to the list. Whoa, now that I think about it, there are lots of things I should change.

Things To Change
3) I love it that Wyatt can take off all his clothes now, and even put on his own shoes, so let's get Marcus Mariota to do that in a few weeks.
4) Transition from "crying" into "singing." That way whenever the baby is crying it can be to the tune of Miley's "Jolene." (Seriously, have you heard that banger? It's like daaaaaang grrrrl!)

That does it. If I can handle those four things, New Marcus will be a perfect kid, just like his brother Bruce Wyatt.

My mood: anxious and stressed
Wyatt's mood: sleepy and hungry
Cara's mood: STOPASKINGLET'SJUSTHAVETHISTHING
Listening to: Jolene

Y'all Are Dropping The Ball!!

     With this being the time of Thanksgiving, I have a simple question to ask of those that know me: What the heck?!

     I don't know if there is any any polite or socially acceptable way to discuss this, but, how come no one has thrown me a second baby shower? I mean, that is a thing, right? Y'all gave us presents when Wyatt was coming, so, what, is this new one not good enough for you?

This is Wyatt's rendition of a Christmas Tree. You can even see it has presents at the base. It is his first true piece of art, and, sadly, is a little better than anything I have ever made. Clearly, he has a baby-shower on his mind.

     Sure, yeah, Cara had a bunch of girls throw her a shower, but she got things like gift cards and diapers and clothes for New Wyatt (still the working name of the baby). When do I get stuff? This new baby needs a dad that has Smash Bros! Do you really expect me to raise a child without the support of the community?! Or without night vision goggles?

     Now, I think I've been pretty patient up to this point, but the baby is due to come any minute now. The doctor recently described Cara as "Holy crap!" and this was at least three weeks before the due date. So when little Bruce Wayne shows up (the new working name of the baby!), I sure hope he's coming into a world where his dad has every season of Animaniacs on DVD.

Wyatt and Lil' Sebastian

     Please don't think I am trying to be selfish here, because, as always, I only want what's best for my growing family. It just seems like none of you have remembered the age old tradition of the second-baby-shower-for-dad that our culture has held dear for ages. You know, we play those classic everybody-hates-them shower games like "Who can eat the most ribs" or "Halo," tell stories about how great I am, and then open presents while the second round of food is being delivered (Please, no pizza, we aren't in college).

     I get it. You just thought that other person was going to be in charge of setting it up, haven't you. I've been there. It's like when I thought Justin Timberlake wanted my phone number so we could be friends, but then I realized he was talking to that girl directly in front of him and he didn't even know I was there. I still gave it to him. You're embarrassed because you think it's too late to throw me a party. It's not!! And it's okay if the party takes place during the baby's birth, even, because it is more important that this little guy know that his dad loves him so much he had to miss the big event to acquire some necessities like a cute little onesie for the baby or a cute little onesie for the daddy. It's worth it.

While Cara was taking this picture, I put my hands on my head.
Wyatt did the same, and I think we have a new tradition.

     So go ahead, take the initiative, throw me a party. It's not too late. Let's not make this a missed opportunity that we'll all regret but most of all you will regret.

They guy who took this picture started getting very, very uncomfortable.

It... it was me,.. I took the picture.

My mood: depressed without any new toys.
Wyatt's mood: depressed without dad having any new toys.
Cara's feeling: unable to sleep and always sore and totally uncomfortable but really excited to make me breakfast.
Listening to: "5000 Candles In The Wind (Bye Bye Lil' Sebastian)"