Pretty Hungry!!

Lincoln was crying before this picture was taken, and Wy never knows what to do with that.
I knew: Stop everything, take a picture.

   There are things that people never tell you about parenting. Granted, these are precious, precious few things, because everyone and their butler has opinions to share with you. And they will share them with you, but seriously, some things you don't think about until it's too late.

   Here's a big one: Sharing your food with the children. Cara and I are horrible about this. There have been times we've taken the kids to a restaurant (still getting used to that term, "the kids." Like how my students have a tough time getting used to calling me "Overlord Gilchrist"), ordered food for just her and I, with the intention of sharing some with Wyatt. Then, seven minutes after the food has shown up, it's gone, and we realize that Wyatt hasn't even sniffed at a french fry.

   I hate sharing my food with Wyatt. I also hate making him food and not eating it myself. I loathe the idea of food existing and it not being for me. Are you eating right now?! STOP IT!! Put the food down and I will come over and eat it for you. No judgements.

   You have to understand. Growing up in the house I did, you had to eat your food fast and you had to claim it in a hurry. Not because there were a lot of kids, mind you. Not even because there wasn't enough food. It's because I wanted all of it and I would eat it all so my siblings and parents really had to get aggressive. Sometimes they'd even call me to dinner late so they could get a head start. Joke's on them, though, because whenever they did this I'd just go to the kitchen at night and eat most of the noodles dry so they wouldn't have any spaghetti the next day.

   Today, I made a meal that Wyatt and I were going to share. Screw Cara. He was outside playing with the boys, so I figured I'd eat my portion and then give him the rest. You have no idea how much self control it took for me to not eat the entire thing. Maybe you do have some idea, because you are thinking "Holy Crap, Grant, this isn't a big deal. You just don't eat some food. Stop acting like what you are talking about is important," to which I reply "Please don't say the 'crap' word around me."

You're thinking: "Awwww, that's so cute! Wyatt is giving Link a kiss!" No! He's just really hungry because there's never leftovers for him. I knew just what to do, though: Grab a snack and then take a picture. A very blurry picture.

   I saved him a Wyatt-sized portion. When he came back inside, it took some convincing, but he started to eat it. He ate freely and gladly. I started to panic. This meal was good. What if he wanted all of it?! What if Cara saw that I made some food and she wanted some?! I convinced Wyatt he'd had enough. He said "No dad, Wy still hungry!" Ugh, fine. Eat more.

   Parenting is hard.

   I only ended up with like two additional bites. Here I am, a full-grown man. A stinkin' lion, master of his pride, and I am down to counting bites and weighing portions with the little lion cubs. This is not how the jungle intends it. Or the savannah. Why on earth are lions called "the king of the jungle?!" That's clearly malaria. 

   There are other things that are hard, too. Letting your kid play your video games, which will totally ruin your stats. Watching the little brat build a Lego toy when yours would be so much cooler, or when he wants you to read him a book and all you want to do is not read him a book.

Wyatt blowing bubbles from the top of his car. Yes, I know: My pictures never match the theme of my posts. Get over it.

   See, this is the truth. Other mommy blogs out there might tell you that parenting is hard because you LOVE SO MUCH or because you are just SO EXHAUSTED FROM GIVING YOUR KID THE WHOLE WORLD but it's like "come on chill out and ease off the caps, lady." Parenting is hard because being awesome is hard, and adding a kid to that mix just makes it that much harder for me to be constantly awesome.

Wyatt's mood: skinned knees all the time
Lincoln's mood: aloof
My moodSOHUNGRY
Cara's mood: watching Hunger Games
Listening to: Third Eye Blind

Y'all Are Dropping The Ball!!

     With this being the time of Thanksgiving, I have a simple question to ask of those that know me: What the heck?!

     I don't know if there is any any polite or socially acceptable way to discuss this, but, how come no one has thrown me a second baby shower? I mean, that is a thing, right? Y'all gave us presents when Wyatt was coming, so, what, is this new one not good enough for you?

This is Wyatt's rendition of a Christmas Tree. You can even see it has presents at the base. It is his first true piece of art, and, sadly, is a little better than anything I have ever made. Clearly, he has a baby-shower on his mind.

     Sure, yeah, Cara had a bunch of girls throw her a shower, but she got things like gift cards and diapers and clothes for New Wyatt (still the working name of the baby). When do I get stuff? This new baby needs a dad that has Smash Bros! Do you really expect me to raise a child without the support of the community?! Or without night vision goggles?

     Now, I think I've been pretty patient up to this point, but the baby is due to come any minute now. The doctor recently described Cara as "Holy crap!" and this was at least three weeks before the due date. So when little Bruce Wayne shows up (the new working name of the baby!), I sure hope he's coming into a world where his dad has every season of Animaniacs on DVD.

Wyatt and Lil' Sebastian

     Please don't think I am trying to be selfish here, because, as always, I only want what's best for my growing family. It just seems like none of you have remembered the age old tradition of the second-baby-shower-for-dad that our culture has held dear for ages. You know, we play those classic everybody-hates-them shower games like "Who can eat the most ribs" or "Halo," tell stories about how great I am, and then open presents while the second round of food is being delivered (Please, no pizza, we aren't in college).

     I get it. You just thought that other person was going to be in charge of setting it up, haven't you. I've been there. It's like when I thought Justin Timberlake wanted my phone number so we could be friends, but then I realized he was talking to that girl directly in front of him and he didn't even know I was there. I still gave it to him. You're embarrassed because you think it's too late to throw me a party. It's not!! And it's okay if the party takes place during the baby's birth, even, because it is more important that this little guy know that his dad loves him so much he had to miss the big event to acquire some necessities like a cute little onesie for the baby or a cute little onesie for the daddy. It's worth it.

While Cara was taking this picture, I put my hands on my head.
Wyatt did the same, and I think we have a new tradition.

     So go ahead, take the initiative, throw me a party. It's not too late. Let's not make this a missed opportunity that we'll all regret but most of all you will regret.

They guy who took this picture started getting very, very uncomfortable.

It... it was me,.. I took the picture.

My mood: depressed without any new toys.
Wyatt's mood: depressed without dad having any new toys.
Cara's feeling: unable to sleep and always sore and totally uncomfortable but really excited to make me breakfast.
Listening to: "5000 Candles In The Wind (Bye Bye Lil' Sebastian)"

Big Boy Backfire!!

   When Wyatt turned three a couple weeks ago, he had a proclamation to make: He had entered the world of the big boys.

   "Wy three, Wy not two-half. Wy not little boy, Wy big boy." It was easily the longest story he had ever told with words. (You should have seen the story he told with his hands when his star balloon floated away. Tragic.) It was the closest thing he's come to a full sentence since that time he said "Why doesn't dad pay any attention to me when he's playing Nintendo, mom? It hurts my feelings." (Kidding!! He never said any of that stuff!! It was more like whine whine fuss fuss "dad pay me pease?" So there's no scarring of any sort going on in this home!)

   Well, I've been holding the "big boy" card over his head for a long time now. You see, his favorite people in the world are a pirate named Jake, a certain fire-truck driver named John (who he just calls "J" now, because they are on a nick-name level of friendship), and the four boys who live across the street. These boys are aged 5 - 13 or something, and I've talked about them before, so stop making me repeat myself over and over.

   Wyatt wants to play with them all the time, but when they are playing a real game of basketball or soccer or "throw the littlest one in a trash can," I tell him. "No, Wy, that's for big boys."

   Big boys. All he wants to be in the world is a big boy. So when he turned three, he was ready.

Big boys sleep with the sharks.

   But do you know what else big boys do? Poop in the potty. Eat their whole dinner. Go to bed without fussing. Grade daddy's papers. Pick up their toys. Make dinner. The list goes on and on.

   This worked for a while. Sure, he never once pooped in the potty for this reason, and he has no idea how to grade anything, let me tell you, but he went to bed well and put on his clothes and ate all his food and even made a decent roast.

   But now?! Oh no. The magic is gone. I asked him to take a bath, like a big boy, and he said "Wy not big boy, Wy little boy." It was horrible, Then, later we were at a two-year-old's birthday party, and everyone kept saying how the little punk was a Big Boy now, and Wyatt was kind of in shock. His eyes were all like "Wait, what, THAT'S a big boy? I was a big boy when I was two?! You've been lying to me this whole time. I still like you better than mommy, but this hurts." Shut up, eyes!!

   I had to do something. So you can imagine how awkward it was when I screamed "No! Jason is not a big boy! He's only two!! How can a two year old be a big boy!?" Jason wasn't really getting it, so I had to get down on his level and say into his face YOU. ARE. NOT. A. BIG. BOY. Then I turned and winked at Wyatt, grabbed some pizza, and left.

   Saved the day there.

Big boys take artsy photos. Wyatt grabbed his baby cow, put it on the couch, grabbed mom's phone, logged in with the password, opened up the camera app, took this picture. Big boy stuff. Cara still can't manage to get her thumb out of her iPhone pictures.

   Wyatt gets that the definition of "big boy" is very fluid. He's starting to use it to his advantage. He's very smart, which is a direct result of me sleeping with my head really close to his on most nights. It's going to be a problem, how smart he is. Because, if you haven't noticed, he's also really cute. So he gets pretty much whatever he wants, whenever he wants it. And he's also kind of spoiled by absolutely everyone who comes in contact with him. And he's just the best little thing in the whole world, so I guess there's no way this could turn bad.

See!! I wasn't kidding!!

   What do I tell him next year? That he's a super big boy? That he's a huge boy?! How many superlatives can I tack on to the front of the word "boy" to keep him maturing and growing as a person over the next 15 years?! This is going to be hard. Crazy, enormously, gargantuanly, insanely, immensely hard. Okay, maybe not that hard.

My mood: hoping I didn't ruin a pretty good friendship with Jason's parents. Or Jason.
Wyatt's mood: not wanting to poop like a big boy
Cara's feeling: bigger and pregnanter.
Listening to: Future Islands

New Skills!!

   Wyatt has been doing all kinds of fun new things lately. He still loves his walks and his cars and playing at the park and renaming all my files on the computer to "aaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaasd", that hasn't changed, but this stuff is going on too:

   He's doing that fake-reading thing. Nick Miller once said "I'm not convinced I know how to read. I've just memorized a lot of words," and that's where we find our hero in this adorable little video:

   Ohmygosh that's adorable. Probably the cutest thing you've seen in days, right? Well, he also went to the dentist for the first time!! Since I am a great dad I don't miss important firsts like this, so I can tell you all about it.

Hanging out. Like a boss. You know how they say you are never more than eight feet from a spider? First: Gross. Second: Wyatt's never more than two feet from a car.

   We walked into the dentist's office at 6:00am and went up to the desk and said "Here we are!" and the dentist behind the desk was like "whoa okay great let's get right to it!" and Wyatt sat down in the chair and the dentist checked his ears and took his heartbeat and then brushed his teeth and then brushed Wyatt's teeth and gave him a shot of fluoride in the shoulder and wyatt didn't even cry! and then the dentist put on his dinosaur costume and made the "rawrr!" sound and Wyatt just loved that. Soon another dentist came in and was all "these are the best teeth I have ever seen on a kid." and I said "Well we brush them every week!" which probably isn't true and then they gave us our little ice-pick-for-your-teeth like they give everyone and OKAY FINE YOU CAUGHT ME I WASN'T THERE. YOU HAPPY!? I MISSED WYATT'S FIRST DENTIST APPOINTMENT BECAUSE I WAS TOO BUSY AT MY JOB WORKING FOR THE MAN. IT LOOKS LIKE I WILL NOT WIN "FATHER OF THE YEAR THIS YEAR" AND NOW I'LL NEVER HAVE A STORY TO SHARE ABOUT WY'S FIRST DENTIST TRIP. WHEN ALL THE OTHER DAD'S ARE LIKE "OH LITTLE AEDEN WAS SO BRAVE" OR WHATEVER I'LL JUST HAVE TO TRY AND MAKE SOMETHING UP AND WE CAN ALREADY SEE I AM NOT GOOD AT THAT AND I'LL PROBABLY JUST START YELLING LIKE I AM RIGHT NOW.

   So, yeah, Cara took him to the dentist. And Cara is the one he reads with. And Cara feeds him and does art projects with him. Great, Cara, we get it. You'll probably get a nomination for "Mother of the Month This Month" or something and we are all impressed. The worst part is, while she is collecting trophies, I still can't even get nominated for a "Best Mommy Blogger" award that I am sure is a real thing. They keep telling me I "don't have the right equipment to be a mommy blogger," and I'm like "what do I need an iPhone 4 or something?" Then they say "Grantina isn't even a real name - much less a girl's name - please leave us alone!"

   What else... what else. Oh, he loves to look for things he can't find, and walk around in circles saying "Oh no we went in a circle!!" Watch this boring video:

   There's one other skill that Wyatt has learned. For some unknown reason, Cara taught Wyatt to scream all his favorite noises in my face to wake me from my peaceful sleeps. It's the worst game ever, and yet it probably only endears her even more to the anti-dad voters on the board of Mom Of The Month This Month. Look:

 
   So there you go. That's my life, now. Getting screamed at and stepped on whenever I try to sleep at the wrong time, or in the wrong place. Now you know why I sleep during church. Or when I am driving. Or at work.

My mood: underappreciated and overworked!!
Wy's mood: don't let dad sleep!!
Cara's feeling: sore and cranky
Listening to: Red Hot Chili Peppers

Big Announcement!!

   Yeah okay let's get this over with we're having another baby.

   I thought about mustering up some excitement and throwing down lots of my trademark double exclamation points!! and trying to build up some suspense or something, but that wasn't going to work. Let's face it: This new one isn't going to be our first one, and that means you aren't going to be as excited.
   My parents already have their first grandkid. My brother and sister already became an aunt and an uncle for the first time. Wyatt's cousins already have cousins. Now it's just more of the same old same old.

   But!! We can still make this exciting!! I'm talking about photos and updates and pinterest and fruit and all kinds of good things!! Here's what I mean.

   Spend half an hour on Pinterest (which my wife does like 6 times a day), and you'll see that pregnancy announcements and gender announcements are A HUGE DEAL. You have to let the world know how cute and artsy you are and how happy you are to be having a baby and also that you are going to be the best parents evar!! So, we've got that covered:

   These are 6 images that appeared on the first page of searching "Pregnancy Announcement" on Pinterest. Let's see what we've got:

Can't spell. Is that ring both an "o" and an "a"? Just trying way too hard here.

Whoa! I don't want to see people making out unless it's me and a steak. Also, walking around on those shoes must've been stressful.

Um, hmmm. Well, so, I guess anyone who can recognize those feet knows who this girl is and that she's pregnant. Angela?

Ah yes, the chalkboard with arrows and colors. Classic.

So, wait, boy + girl + tree = 3? I don't get the math on this one. Maybe it's boy tree girl plus sign three?

And this one!! Okay, actually that's really funny. You guys win.

   As you can see, there's a lot of pressure to pull this thing off right. People need to get excited for you and also know how wonderful you are, all at once. A while back, Cara and Wy and I were bored and decided we'd get a head start on this whole "baby announcement picture" thing. These were the results:

This is the creative process at work.

We realized people would take this the wrong way. WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?!

True story: We had a friend take these photos. The friend is actually a photographer. The friend didn't want us to use his name because he didn't want anything to do with these things. Thanks, Jake!

We figured we'd make a few with some random dates, just hoping to get the due date right. Notice we didn't put down any years or anything.

What fun we were having.

Our try at the whole mathy thing. Because there'd be four of us. I guess I forgot to add a tree in there somewhere. During this photo-shoot, someone actually walked by and said "What does that even mean? Are you having a baby or something." I politely replied with "MIND YOUR OWN BUSINESS AND DON'T LET THAT DOG POOP ON MY LAWN!" (It wasn't my lawn.) (She didn't have a dog.)

It's not... you know, Cara ...  the baby's not going to be in my belly. Why are you doing this?! You know I've had body image issues ever since we were pregnant the first time around. It changes you.

What is with this belly obsession!?

Do you get it!? Cara drinks water, dad drinks whatever's in that bottle and we're not telling but it's probably just used for cooking anyways, and Wyatt LOVES milk.

Here, we gave Wyatt a bag of chips and said "spell out "I'ma big brother!" or something" and then came back a few hours later.

   So there you have it. The secret's out: Not only are we pregnant, but we aren't photogenic, clever or going to be featured on any pinterest boards.

   Now, I'm sure you have a ton of questions, so let me answer them for you.

   How did this happen?!

   That is not a question I am going to answer. This is a family blog. Well, it's a blog about a family. No, it's really a blog about a dad who needs attention. 

   Are you going to change the name of the blog?!

   To what? "My Kids Is Special!!?" That doesn't even make any sense. You should be embarassed for even suggesting that.

   You should be embarrassed that you can't spell "embarrassed" right. Those aren't my questions, Grant. I have questions like "When will-

   - "When will I get a new little plushy batman drawing for the new kid?" Great question. I probably need to update Wyatt's anyways to reflect his age and sensibilities. We don't know if the new kid is a boy or a girl yet, so the plushy image could be Link or Spider-Man if he's a boy, and Zelda or Samus if he's a girl.

   You are awful at this. At least you answered the question about the gender. When is the soon-to-be-forever-screwed-up-by-this-blog kid coming?

   The "doctor's" tell us it's coming in December, but I think I know my own body and have a good feeling about late August.

   Ugh. Are you going to find out the gender in advance?

   Probably. But not because of ultrasounds or anything. We have a neighbor who has visions about these sorts of things. He accurately predicted that Wyatt would be a boy and he'd be super cute and he'd grow up to be a rock star, so he's pretty reliable. He also knew in advance that Hillary was going to run for president.

   Ugh. How's mom doing?

   Yeah great fine who cares what else?

   Have you thought about names at all?

   Yes. If it's a boy, probably Link or Spider-Man. If it's a girl, um, can you trade those things in for boys?

   What, you don't want a baby girl?

   No no no, it's not that at all. I'd love a baby girl. I don't want a middle or high school girl. Those things are terrifying.

   Aren't you a teacher?

   Yes and if the girl's knew how scared I was of them and their drama they'd have all the control.

   Okay let's wrap this up.

   Well, I'm in charge of this blog. I ask the questions around here.

   No, seriously, I've been asking questions for like 15 minutes.

   Wait, what? Seriously?

   Yes!! That's been your whole gimmick!

   Are... are you sure that's right?

   Well, now I guess we've switched and you are asking stupid questions.

   How did you do this? Are you like a spy or something?

   You keep asking questions. And if I were a spy I obviously couldn't tell you.

   Okay. Got it. You can't tell me. I'll just have to do some digging on my own some other time. 

   I need to be moving on. I can't just sit here and entertain all day. I've got important things to do like mail a few more wedding thank-yous. Let's wrap this up.

My mood: ecstatic! Also, I can't believe any of you would read this far!!

Wyatt's mood: kind of understanding what's going on but not really!

Cara's mood: Sleeping okay these days!!

Listening to: The Shins.

I'm A Failure!!

Sure, I might seem like a good dad way back in January. It's all a mirage.

I really thought I'd be the best dad ever. It was in the cards for a while. It's pretty clear now, after 2.5 years of trying this, that I might not even be in the top three dads ever.

There are just so many things that Wyatt can't do that I thought he'd be able to do by now. Can't read, can't poop on the potty, can't count to ten without some help, can't tie his shoes, can't say "andromeda," doesn't know how long a mile is, can't do a pull up.

Ugh. That's a long and complete list of failures so far. He hasn't even been discovered by any talent agencies or booked his first commercial. Not that'd he be any good at it. He'd just stop whatever cute thing he was doing, stare at the camera and walk closer to it, and finally put his hands on the lens.

Sure, he's done some interesting things. He has started a car. The keys were already in the ignition when we were playing around, and he just grabbed and twisted them. He can unlock Cara's iPhone, navigate to the camera, and take videos or pictures. He can turn on Netflix and choose the show of his choice. He has put on his own shorts a couple times.

And he's pretty good at dancing. And picking his nose. (Two skills he gets from his dad)

I guess I have a lot to work on this summer. Now that school is out and I am home for a couple long, glorious months ever, I have some goals for the special little kid:

1) Potty trained.
2) Consistent sleep schedule
3) Eating what I make for him or nothing. None of this whining for pancakes all day like he gets when mom's at home.
4) Able to count to 10 on his own, and none of this one two pee po fi crap, either.
5) Exercise every day, and no TV as many days as possible.
6) Abs. Total 6 pack abs. Just like his dad.
7) Write at least two blog posts. (This last one was originally a goal for me, but I think he can do it!!)

That's a long list, but that's okay, because this summer will never end!! I'm telling you, guys, I just have this feeling that it's going to be July forever and school will never start again and I'll never have to go back to work but I think they'll keep paying me because September never happens.

My mood: denial
Wyatt's mood: not poopy in the potty, that's for sure!!
Listening to: Disney Soundtracks

Color Symmetry!!

   Hey guys! Listen up! Wyatt's starting to color coordinate things! Wow is it fun. I need to show you like a hundred pictures to prove it.

You're really glad we got these new, larger, high-quality photos here at MKIS so that you can really enjoy these blocks.

   He did this while we were at the aquariam in Monterey, California. Yeah that's right we went on a trip to the California Sunshine and I didn't even facebook or blog about it because whatever it's not like it's a big deal and I don't have to announce it to the world or anything. Also, Yeah, uh huh, while at the aquariam that had actual sharks, otters, and lots of pictures of jellyfish without actual jellyfish, we spent most of our time playing with blocks that we have at home. Still, this color action was new for him, I hadn't seen it yet.

   Full diclosure: I am not convinced this was Wyatt. There is a chance it was Cara, because this is about at her level of craftsmanship and (in)attention to detail. I think it was the special kid, though, so we'll go with that.

   Man, can you believe it?! Coordinating and symmetric with colors already!! Most kids aren't doing this until they are, I don't know, twelve? (No, seriously, I don't know. Fifteen? Judging by my freshman, it's probably after 15.) And my brother still doesn't quite get that YOU CAN'T WEAR GREY SWEATS WITH A GREY SWEATSHIRT TO OUR AWESOME DINNER PARTIES!! Heck, based on how the girl students at school point at me and laugh, and have even suggested a fashion tumblr for me to follow, it seems that Wyatt is really getting these color-matching skills without any help from his dad's side. Regarding that tumblr: I didn't follow it, but instead sent in a picture of myself and asked what I needed to work on.

 

And so you can really enjoy... whatever this is.

   They did not respond. There's only one way to interpret that: I have nothing to work on.

My mood: so proud Wyatt is inheriting my color-awareness genes (and jeans, if we're lucky)

Cara's mood: trying to stack the blocks higher than ever!!
Wyatt's mood: george george
Listening to: Magic Schoolbus Theme Song

There's No Way You're Prepared For This Cuteness

Oh gosh. This cute already!?

   Seriously. You just aren't ready to handle the pictures that are coming your direction. I'll try to space them out in such a fashion that you have some time to cope and recover. But, know this: Wyatt is coming, and he's taking no prisoners. Let's go.

   Sheesh!! That's what we're up against, people!! An adorable kid gleefully petting a tiny horse while in Christmas Garb, including a green down vest. If he were to learn to speak right now and ask me to buy him a tiny horse, I would be unable to say no.

   Let's take a step back and try to regroup a little. Here's a photo where my presence alone drops the overwhelming cuteness factor by a significant degree:

   Yeah, okay, that's manageable. Sure, that little helmet is absurdly precious, but both of my chins do a pretty good job of counter-acting his tiny hands.

   Oh gosh, one-two-three in a row, just like that?! Not fair!! I don't know if this kid could get any cuter. He certainly couldn't have his picture taken anymore than it was on this day of Christmas-Tree Hunting, a sport as old as the earth itself. We walked up to the tree farm, grabbed the first pre-cut tree we saw, and then chased Wyatt around this wagon/hay ride thing:

   Okay, okay, too much fun. Let's pause, for a moment, with this picture of a bird eating some apple in our backyard, just so we can all catch our breath before moving on.

   Wait, that's... that's actually a pretty cool picture too.

   Okay, we're almost done here. A couple more, and then I'll let you get back to whatever you previously accomplishing before this inevitable intrusion of picturesqueness.

Look at how happy he is to be in that... kind of wet? ... sleigh!!

Look at how distressed he is when his mom and dad joined him!! Also, WHOSE CAR IS THAT IN THE BACKGROUND!?

   I know what you're thinking. You're thinking Huh, Wyatt's dressed up in that adorable vest/plaid-shirt combo, Cara's wearing a nice scarf and a Christmasy Jacket, and Grant, you're wearing a plain white t-shirt!? Aren't you the guy that once wore a matching outfit with your son for Christmas? Did you not know you were taking Christmas photos?! I did!! I did know!! I'll have YOU know that I had on a nice all-black fleece jacket over this, but the temperatures weren't actually that cold so I took it off!!
   Also! I'll have you know that this is the exact same outfit I wore to Wy's second birtday party! And it's also what I am wearing right now!! You know what they say: If an outfit works once, wear it over and over again at every possible event!!

   But, as you'll see in a moment, I can sure make it look good:

Nothing Says "Classy Man" Like a Chevy, jeans and a white shirt, a good stare off into the distance, and a porta-potty in the background. Thanks for framing this one so well, Cara.

My mood: over cutifieid
Wyatt's mood: relentlessly cute
Listening to: Kings of Leon

"This Reminds Me Of An Episode Of Curious George..."

Cara painted that picture of The Curious Monkey from looking at a picture online. Pretty impressive, you ask me.
I picked out that shirt after looking at the shirts in my closet and thinking "Am I leaving my house today? No." Equally impressive, you ask me.

   There are six seasons and sixty episodes of the cartoon Curios George on Netflix. Now, if you were Wyatt, you'd probably be okay with four episodes playing on repeat until the end of time. For Cara and I, it's nice to have some variety. George is an absolutely wonderful show. It's clever and lighthearted, has great music and very enjoyable voice acting. I will never complain about having to watch so much George, when purple dinosaurs and annoying French kids are the alternatives.

   But Cara and I were at a dinner party with two other couples. (I know!! A dinner party!? We never get invited to those, even before we had Wyatt! Truth be told we weren't invited to this one either, but we knew what time it was and where it was, so we went for it. They actual invited guests and hosts were so happy to have us, and there was almost enough food for everyone after I ate half the lasagna!! I love lasagna.) At this DP, as the kids are calling them, a story came up that reminded me of something in my life that happened recently. I started to tell the story, then realized I was just giving the plot and events to an episode of Curious George.

   "Oh, man, that's just like that time The Man In The Banana Suit needed to run down to the museum and told George not to play with the muffins but he did anyways and then everything was awful but in the end it all worked out okay and we all laughed!!" That's literally a description of what basically took place. I was so embarassed. I was mortified. Has all of my life experience in the last 6 months really just been a cartoon monkey and a fence I had to stain? There are no interesting stories about staining a fence.

Little guy is a little snotty. Also, I'm there again!!

   This same thing happened in class yesterday. I was teaching my adorable little freshman some adorable little math, and thought "This is exactly what The Man In Those Coats You See People Wearing On Fishing Boats At Sea was telling George a couple of days ago," and then I proceeded to explain the whole episode to my classes. Two periods of this nonsense. I will never be the cool teacher.

   When I was young, my mom would sometimes tell me "Grant, if you aren't doing anything, you wont have anything to talk about with friends." She was telling me this because I didn't have friends and knew that I wasn't able to talk to anyone about anything that wasn't the latest episode of Dragon Ball Z. Well, after a few successful years of doing things and making friends, I am back to sitting at home, watching cartoons, and having nothing to say at DPs. It's middle school all over again.

   Luckily, I love cartoons.

My mood: curious
Wyatt's mood: sick and sleepy
Listening to: Neon Trees

Public Meltdown!!

   We all love watching a train wreck, right? People tune in to see Amanda Bynes break down over the last, what, twenty months? Or LiLo for the last, what, twenty years?! It's just so fun to sit on our couches in our perfect little lives and judge imperfect people.

   That's why a good facebook implosion makes for good blogging. I have a ... friend ... who experienced one of these recently. Now, we all know that raising a child can drive anyone crazy, even if that kid is perfect and, as parents, we too are perfect. Let's watch this one, which happens over the span of about nine hours. Names and pictures have been erased to protect the innocent bystanders.

    Oh, the poor parent. Unsure of how to proceed, and asking for a little bit of help and validation through facebook. Notice how the parent is trying to convince others as well as himself of his lack of fear. A few good friends chime in with some support and advice, but, this isn't looking good.

   Oh man. Not off to a good start here. Why not google these questions? When you ask the random population, someone is going to offer something like fish soap. Do fish need bathing these days? I wonder if he tried sugar, because, it seems like that would work.

   Oh, yeah, this is a clear sign that dad's breaking down. The rules and structure of the household are going out the window. Look at how tatted that little boy is now! And ink on the bed!? Will the madness continue forever!?
   What's that you say? Oh, yeah, I guess the facebook post does have the name "Wyatt" in it, but that doesn't mean it's me. There are a lot of Wyatt's out there. No, we have no idea who is having this humiliating public display, and we never will.

   Notice how abandoned Grant (Shoot! My name!!) is right now. No likes, no advice, no support. People aren't sure how to help, or what to do. He's breaking down!! It's so sad. Also, he's right, it's always coming.

   Whoa!! Where's this coming from!? There's some latent, repressed emotion spewing forth now!! This is like stage 6 of Public Breakdown Stages, and it's not pretty. And why on earth are people liking this?! People are often.

   Okay, what kind of a parent can't tell which sort of thermometer is present?! And when someone offers genuine help (not that jerk talking about taste, but the one who wants a picture), he's totally uncooperative!! He gets what's coming to him, that's for sure.

   Oh, how sad it is when someone has fallen so far that their accomplishments would still be the worst part of anyone's day. And who's the brat that finds all this entertaining!? And look at how Grant (the victim) is getting no support, whereas Wyatt (the perpetrator, the inflictor of harm upon Grant) is getting all the love. Makes me sick. Literally, I think I am getting what Wyatt has...

   WHO CAN YOU TRUST!? That's the main thought going through Grant's mind at this stage. People are exploiting him, mocking him, liking his failures and offering advice. What advice is good?! And look at that Jefferson Ray creep. I am actually including his name and his photo so that EVERYONE KNOWS TO AVOID THIS GUY. KEEP HIM AWAY FROM CHILDREN.

   Whew! A brief respite. Some time to recover and then inevitable relapse. It's so nice to have a break and really feel the healing begin.

 
   Relapse!! We all knew it was coming. There's always the fear of relapse, of never truly conquering one's demons. What a sad state for this once great man. Some kind soul offers some advice about watching football, and, is that other person making a racist comment?!

   So you're curious! (curious!) And that's marvelous (marvelous!) And that's you're reward: You're never bored!! If you're curious, like Curious George!

   Wait, is that Mick Jagger!? He's friends with Mick Jagger?! And Mick Jagger is taking the time to personally offer some words of wisdom, from experience?! That's amazing! This Grant guy must be really, super cool, because the above photo was clearly not doctored in any obvious way.
   But do you see what's happening!? Now people are abandoning him. He's become toxic. He can't be helped. What ever happened to commitment in marriage?! What ever happened to "For Better or For Worse?!" I am referring to the comic strip, which, it's like, what's up with that one?
 

   Did you know he writes a successful, hilarious blog?! You probably didn't. You should share it with all of your friends and like it and join and maybe send donations?! Wait, has this all been some publicity stunt?

   Ah, closure. The wife has returned and everything is okay. He's making amends with those he has harmed, which is a necessary step. And the wife offers her heartfelt sentiment that he never return to this dark time in his life. One person up-thumbs.

   23 people liked this!? 23!! That's more pageviews than I get in a day. Where were these people when I was falling apart?! Lost and insecure! Lying on the floor!! Where were you!? Why'd you have to wait!? Just a little late!!
   Ugh. As always, mom's the worst and I am on my own. No need to thank me, for getting our son through the day sick while you worked. I don't do it for the thanks. I do it for the reward of being miserable all day. That's all I need.

My mood: thinking about getting a drastic new haircut
Wy's mood: still not feeling great (sadface)
Listening to: Curious George and The Fray