How To Fix Your Ripped Jeans

   You've got that pair of jeans. We both know you do. What if something happened to that pair of jeans? What would you do?! You'd have to fix them, wouldn't you. Well, something happened to my pair of jeans. Um, twice. Something happened twice. I don't know what it was and let's not just assume I tore them due to baby weight, okay!? But every self-respecting housewife needs to know how to sew and repair, and I am certainly one of those so let's get cooking. Also, I can cook good.

   I almost wore these jeans to work one day. I mean, two days. Both times I was dressed and ready to go, and both times I reached for my wallet and got a handful of underwear in the process. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking either Where do you work that you can wear casual jeans?! or you're thinking How do you grab underwear when going for your wallet?? or you're thinking Wait what on earth happened to those poor things?! Great questions!!
   I'd like to make one thing very clear here: IT IS MY GOAL NOT TO USE DUCT TAPE AT ANY POINT IN THE RESTORATION PROCESS.

Two tears!! Do you see them!? I must have been attacked by a wolf or something.

Step 1: Materials.
   You will need a sewing machine, a needle, thread to match your jeans, perhaps a patch, not duct tape, and probably some glue. Also, based on the picture, you'll need scissors, yarn, q-tips, hair ties, some sort of a weird ruler thing, and a pincushion.

Step 2: Work Space.
   Clean off your desk or table. Oh please, don't pretend like it was already clean. I know it wasn't so just clean it off and shut up.

Step 3: Distractions
   Give your kid something to do that will distract him for hours, ideally. I didn't really "give him something to do" as much as I "threw him in his crib and shut the door." This will make it much easier to focus and get work done.

This is a great example of a distraction.

Step 4: Test.
   Make sure the sewing machine works the way you want it to. Place a pair of non-ruined jeans underneath and hold the pedal down as hard as you can, just to make sure it has the horsepower you need. WARNING: DO NOT RUN THE SEWING MACHINE WITHOUT A GARMENT TO SEW UNDERNEATH BECAUSE I THINK THAT WILL BREAK IT BUT I AM NOT SURE I KNOW IT WORKS THAT WAY WITH CARS AND GAS AND OIL AND ALSO WITH A BOW AND ARROW SO LET'S NOT RISK IT.

Step 5:        .
   Um, I dunno. Fix the jeans? At this point I am trying to remember any home-ec classes that I took in middle school (I was actually pretty good at sewing in that class. No, really! Why doesn't anyone believe me when I tell them this?!). Let's just go for it and see what happens:
   So, the first step, well, the first step of Step 5, is to make sure there are no children around and then thread your needle. Make sure there are no children around not because it's dangerous, but because you will end up swearing and saying words that little babies shouldn't here when you try to thread that #@!*ng thing. It's like Jesus said, it's easier for a man to thread a needle than for a rich camel to pass ... through... what was the point of that parable again?
   Once the needle is threaded with your favorite purple string, then send it back and forth through the tear over and over over. Back and forth. Over and over. Just plug that rip up. Try and criss-cross the string as much as you possibly can, so that the tear is good and covered. When your done, it should like this (the one on the left):

   However, you should work really hard to not make this happen on the inside:

   So, lesson learned there!! You can just take those scissors you have handy and cut those strings, no problem,

   Now, the other tear is much larger, so I am going to use a patch. I don't have a good patch, but that's because I'd rather use a graft. I am going to take a piece of jean from somewhere else on the jean and attach it to the ripped jean, just like a good surgeon would. It's best to take it from a place that will be missed little, and could possibly be damaged through regular wear and tear:

The backside of the hem on the bottom. That is called a hem, r ight?

   So, now you just have to attach the patch to the tear. This is, um, this is something really easy. Just do the same thing I did before, with the, uh, with the string, right?
   I gave it a shot, and then I fell back on every tailor's last resort. I, uh, I grabbed some duct tape and taped it to the under side and it turned out great!! Look!

   Boom. Perfectly fixed jeans, and it only took like seven hours!! If you need your jeans fixed, you can either follow the steps I've given or you can send them to me and I'll fix them good-as-newthis for just $200. Let me know!

Also, Wyatt!!

My mood: extremely proud of a job well done
Wyatt's mood: wishing he could play with the pokey things more
Listening to: Firefly episodes are on in the background.