Wanted: Brother Husband

   I've had the best idea!! This is totally my second best idea ever, trailing only a reality show about people who live in a Costco, and WAY better than my idea to make a shirt with zip-off sleeves. Brother Husbands, people. Brother Husbands.

   Here's how it works. Have you seen the show Sister Wives? Neither have I. But I know how it works. There's a bunch of sisters and they all decide to marry the same guy. I think they have some sort of a competition where they vote people off and the winning dude is given the Bonnet of Wives or something. Then this guy has like 5 wives and three houses and holy crap it sounds awful. Then they go to jail? Is that part of the deal? Like I said, I haven't seen the show. I don't know why anyone would do this though. It's like "Hey I want to get nagged more and then thrown in prison!" Amiright?

Is... is he pregnant? Do the males give birth in this scenario? Like seahorses?

   But!! Let's take this idea and spin it around, put it on its head and kick it in the teeth. Brother Husbands.

   Here's the deal: Cara and I (and even Wyatt at this point) agree that Cara is just too high maintenance. I, as one man, can't take care of her, make her happy, take care of the boy, clean and maintain the house, go to work, and keep chasing my dream of being a Pokemon Card Champion. I want to be the very best, like no one ever was. It's just too much! We need a brother husband.

This guy is not Brother Husband material.

   This doesn't have to be my brother. I cannot stress this point enough. This is one of the big differences between Sister Wives and Brother Husbands. In our case, the brother husband will have the following responsibilities: Work and make money, clean the house, maintain the house, take care of the cars, pay the bills, check and sort the mail, and NOTHING ELSE. I cannot stress that last point enough. I, as the head of the Brother Husband household, will be in charge of eating, vacations, leisure, making Cara happy, playing with Wyatt, and naps. Oh, the brother husband might also be Vice-President of Diapers.

   So! Applications for brother husbands are now being accepted. We are looking for someone a) rich, b) quiet, c) handy, d) ugly.

My mood: Proud of my idea and wondering if anyone has a holographic Charizard
Wyatt's mood: excited for another daddy!
Listening to: Dave Matthews

The Truth Comes Out!!

"Well, I'm tired, but I'm sick of laying down."

   It's about 1:30 am. I am crawling in bed. Cara is asleep. She's a bit of a sleep-talker, though she hasn't said much in a long time. When we first got married she would have the most interesting conversations. I'll share one later, but, let me set the scene for this recent sleep-talking adventure first: It's about 1:30 am, I am crawling in bed and Cara is asleep.

Cara: Who are you?
Me: It's Grant.
...
...
Me: Wait, why do you have to ask?
Cara: Just making sure. I always do.
...
...
Me: No you don't.
Cara: Shh.

   I did not sleep well that night. I've always suspected. But now, well, now I am sure. She wishes she'd married someone else. It's gotten to the point she's dreaming about someone else. It's the only explanation. I've blogged about her sleep-talking before, and it's been going on for a long time. Like this one, years ago, when she had another sleep confession.

September 23, 2007:


Cara: Hey I need you to come here. I need you to start the program
Me: Huh?
I need the program, and you need to start it
What program?
The saw program?
The what program?
I counted the pills and gave them to the lady
Oh. How many pills were there?
Ninety
And who did you give them to?
Some guy
Who was he?
Bill
Who’s tha—
Bill takes the clothes
Oh yeah?
Yeah.
So who is your favorite?
You are
Who is your second favorite?
You are
Who is your tenth favorite?
Bill
And who is he?
He doesn’t live here
Where does he live?
Willamette
Aahhh- Willamette

   Bill!! Is that who Cara was expecting to crawl into bed?! I've always suspected that. I'm just surprised she hasn't talked about Travis yet. Travis. I hate that guy and his lack of chest hair.

   Whoa!! I just realized something. That little sleep conversation above took place on September 23, 2007. (I know the date because whenever Cara says something worth remembering, I wake up, run to the computer and email the transcript to her old roommate, who has some fun Cara-sleeptalking stories of her own). September 23rd is Wyatt's birthday! If instead of Wyatt we'd named him Bill, he could take the clothes and live in Willamette and Cara could be some sort of prophet. I mean, prophetess. A lady prophet. Like a lioness but for the future.

My mood: groggy and confused
Cara's mood: ashamed she's been found out!
Wyatt's mood: oblivious to his parents turmoil
Listening to: Mariah Carey Christmas